end of 2008

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before? worked for the forest service, used a chainsaw, loved my job

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions? probably not

4. Did anyone close to you die? my aunt carolyn

5. What countries did you visit? none.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?travel more, have more money, have more good quality friends.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?the day we won WAC
cause that was awesome.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? winning the western athletic conference, and personally being 9th in the conference

9. What was your biggest failure? not living in the moment

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? stress fracture and pes bursitis

11. What was the best thing you bought? good boots

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? my team's

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? narrow minded people. and people who became jerks during election time.

14. Where did most of your money go? clothes and food.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? kyle, running, my job, cafe rio

16. What songs will always remind you of 2008? shut up and let me go, the new drew danburry album, and the twilight soundtrack (yes, i did just write that)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:i. happier or sadder?hmmmm... i was extremely happy this time last year. like giddy. but i wouldn't say i am sadder, just more mellow?

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? enjoying the moment, and not caring what other people thought/said

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? focusing on myself

20. Who had the biggest influence on your life in 2008? Kyle Scott Trammell

21. What was your favorite TV program? the office, greys anatomy, america's next top model, gossip girl, jimmy kimmell live

22. Do you know anyone now that you didn't this time last year? why yes i do. amazing people i worked with this summer.

23. What was the best book you read? i still haven't finished it... but Survivor

24. What was your greatest musical discovery? black ghosts, johnny flynn

25. What did you want and get?wac championship, a healthy season, a wonderful job

26. What did you want and not get? feeling comfortable in my own skin

27. What was your favorite film of this year? oh man...i honestly cannont answer this. the list would be too long.

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? i turned 20, i went ice skating withthe fam, and i went to sages with my family and kyle, then kyle took me to the SLUG magazine christmas party then i went home for cake and ice cream.

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? being able to save my money.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006? a classy hippie

31. What kept you sane? running

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

33. What political issue stirred you the most?who was best fit to run the country

34. Who did you miss?my old coaches, some old friends.

35. Who was the best new person you met? all the people i worked with. we had some goodtimes

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008: still trying to learn this: i can't control other people's actions

37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
my dewy-eyed disney bride, what has tried
swapping your blood with formaldehyde?
monsters?whiskey-plied voices cried fratricide!
jesus don't you know that you could've died
(you should've died)
with the monsters that talk, monsters that walk the earth
and she's got red lipstick and a bright pair of shoes
and she's got knee high socks, what to cover a bruise
she's got an old death kit she's been meaning to use
she's got blood in her eyes, in her eyes for you
she's got blood in her eyes for you
certain fads, stripes and plaids, singles ads
they run you hot and cold like a rheostat, i mean a thermostat
so you bite on a towel
hope it won't hurt too badmy dewy-eyed disney bride, what has tried
swapping your blood with formaldehyde?
what monsters that talk, monsters that walk the earth
and she says i like long walks and sci-fi movies
if you're six foot tall and east coast bred
some lonely night we can get togetherand i'm gonna tie your wrists with leather
and drill a tiny hole into your head

diving too deep for coins

i've never been the type of person that is good at holding in emotions (anyone who knows me knows this quite well). i seem to get emotional at the most inopportune times.
it is finals week.
i am already an emotional wreck as it is the week of finals. but things just keep on piling up on my plate and i don't know how much more i can take before it all comes tumbling down.
i am known for my nervous breakdowns, but i feel like this year i have learned to keep them to just a few. there is a big one brewing right now, and i just hope i can make it to thursday at 12:00 before it explodes. i haven't talked about all the things piling up to anyone. saying them out loud always seems to make them so much more real.
i just need to make it to thursday. then i can have my nervous breakdown.

my only sunshine

he keeps on disappearing and i can't quite keep a hold of him. it seems like a bright sunny day that lasted for hours but flew by so swiftly, taunting me with the thought that maybe winter will never come. but he always does. he always creeps upon us when we least expect him. i didn't expect him to come this time. i always think that maybe i can change him. maybe i can keep the sun out and the clouds away longer? i never can. i keep trying to figure out how, but i never can. maybe the clouds were never really gone. maybe this was just an optical illusion.

i am never ready for winter. the bitterness leaves me feeling cold and lonely. i keep reaching out for the warmth of summer to wrap his arms around me. but i don't know if he ever will again.

please come back to me.

just had to get this off my chest

i have probably spoken less than two words to you in my entire life. yet you have told many people you do not like me and you "have your reasons."
you claim to be this saintly person and try to love everyone, yet you have gone out of your way many times to say or write things that have cut very deeply into me.
it just makes me sad. really sad. i can't believe there was a time that i looked up to you, and thought you were a genuine, sweet person that wasn't judgemental and cruel.
i don't ever remember going out of my way to do something cruel to you. if i did i would love to know what i did so that i could make it right. i have never felt so uncomfortable in the presence of someone, and have never felt so disliked by someone.
but i hope that putting me down has made you feel better. i know deep down it hasn't.

map of the problematique

what have you done to me?

i was so sure of my existence

so sure of what i wanted

then you had to go and say those words

changing everything

opening a door that i never even knew was there

oh don't get me wrong

i've been wanting to hear you say it

but now i am stuck

with a constant smile on my face

feeling guilty that it is there

i miss you, too

i do believe it's true that there are roads left in both of our shoes

ahem. it has been a few weeks. so here goes, a bunch of my random thoughts:
1- perhaps i should go to hair school? i mean when i am done with my wildlife degree. most of the time i feel like i don't have the intelligence required to be in this field and that when i get out into the real world i won't be successful. therefore, i think maybe i should go to hair school. cause i like to make things look pretty. and i like hair. then maybe i could make my hair look pretty too. this idea extremely pleases my mom. she gets so annoyed at the thought of me doing a "man's job" (she is so sexist and doesn't realize it). she says, "why don't you do hair, or be a teacher, or a nurse? that's what girls do." haha. whatever.
2- i'm sad/happy the season is over (that was incredibly ridiculous to type because they are exact opposites). But i am sad because this has been such a great season. I have had such a blast working hard with some of the greatest girls around. we accomplished goals as a team (something i am not used to). i had blue hair for a while, that was spectacular. This season just went really well for all of us. it feels really good to have a break right now.
3-kyle scott trammell is going to be joining my family for thanksgiving in hurricane, utah. i'm excited for this. i feel like i go to ALL of his family functions (which i really do love), and it's time he spends a week as a quinn. i'm a bit nervous though because we are quite a different family. i don't know how he will handle things. we spend thanksgivings at chuck-a-rama. this is the only day of the year my mother doesn't cook. we wake up really early and go to be really early. we always eat every meal as a family. nothing in our house in hurricane matches, it is just decorated by random things my mom has picked up from garage sales in the last 20 years. i am excited, but nervous for him to experience the intensity of my family.
4-i think i am learning to be a less judgemental person. i think this has to do with the fact that i am constantly around people that are so judgemental all the time it drives me crazy. i am beginning to realize that it's so awesome when people can just be who they are. i am trying to love everyone, unless they give me a reason to not. but i will continue to give them the benefit of the doubt first.
5- i am loving life right now.
6- i love my friends. all of you.
7- i effing can't wait for the semester to be over!! yayuh!

"A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take away everything you have."
~Thomas Jefferson

because amanda posted this. and i am bored

8 T.V. shows I love to watch:

1. America's Next Top Model
2. Arrested Development
3. Gossip Girl
4. Pushing Daisies
5. Greys Anatomy
6. The Office
7. Little House on the Parie
8. Jimmy Kimmel Live

8 Favorite Restaurants


1. Sage's Cafe
2. Sage's Cafe
3. Dairy Keen
4. Uno's (best pizza in Chicago)
5. Sage's Cafe
6. Hires
7. Sage's Cafe
8. Mimi's Cafe

8 things that happened yesterday

1. My team won the conference championship
2. i was second team all-conference
3. got ninth place overall
4. was second from the team
5. was in new mexico, texas, and nevada
6. sat by an awesome man on the flight home that flies private planes for celebrities. he told me which ones are jerks and which ones are sweet!
7. was a mile away from mexico
8. ate a huge hot fudge sunday

8 things I look forward to

1. Regionals!
2. taking classes for my new major!
3. being a fast runner
4. Thanksgiving
5. Christmas
6. Summer
7. being rich
8. africa

8 things I love about fall

1. crunchy leaves
2. sweaters
3. carving pumpkins
4. cold weather
5. wearing scarves
6. candy corn
7. pumpkin pie
8. going up the canyon

8 things on my wish list

1. clothes from urban outfitters
2. traveling out of the country
3. for my team to make it to nationals this season
4. more money
5. a happy family
6. to be faster
7. healthy hair
8. to see my sister

elyse

so i have this friend, elyse. she is probably the greates person in the entire world. if i wasn't in love with my boyfriend, i would want to be with her. she is just so smart and beautiful.

elyse= perfection

Darkness

I found you darkness

Once again

Welcome back

My dear old friend

It's been so long

Since we last met

All your secrets

I have kept

How was your journey

Where did you go

Without you here

I did not woe

Now you're back

You bring me tears

Painful memories and painful fears

I think I am

In love with you

Your endless shadows and endless gloom

You found me darkness stuck in light

I'm much safer wrapped in your night

oh the joy of politics

okay. i need to vent for a while. so bare with me.

i don't care if your opinion is different from mine. in fact i love to listen to people talk about their opinions and their reasoning's behind them. i love political and religious discussions..... but if you are going to talk about politics or religion with me please don't be condescending and treat me like a child. i try my hardest to be open to your ideas and beliefs, why can't you just do the same for me. don't be a bitch, cut me off, yell at me and treat me like your high school debate opponent.

also, if you say you have an opinion about something, you should get something to back it up. something stronger than "well, that's what my parents and my friends believe." i don't really have respect for people who form their opinions and cast their votes based on what other people believe. but when you actually know why you believe what you do it makes you look so much smarter.

things really aren't okay.

i just want to know what more there is to take?
you have my heart in your hands
but now it is only held together by tiny threads.
i'm sick of justifying your actions (or inactions) to others and myself
your holding on to the thought of her still
and you've built this wall between us.
i wish you would try harder to hang onto me
but i know you won't
i keep lying to myself
the same way you do to me
i feel pathetic and i know everyone around me thinks it
wondering why i am putting myself through this
i still hang onto that little bit of hope
that maybe you still care
i tell myself that you're just
busy/stressed/tired/working hard/any other reason that satisfies my mind
it never fully does
i know you won't read this, because i know you don't care
i know it, i've gotten used to it.
this is probably all my fault
i think i gave you too much of myself
i let you in too far
made myself too vulnerable
i feel like i put so many things aside in my life for you
you know what hurts the most?
every. single. day. i look forward to hearing your voice
or the next time i will see your face
i get so excited to talk to you
you still give me butterflies!
but i can hear it in your voice
and see it in your actions
that you really don't care anymore.
but you know what?
i most likely will not do anything about it
cause i'm insecure like that.
just keep telling me it's okay
and i'll keep pretending that i believe you.

life is a dream

When I wake up I still feel like I'm dreaming

I'm tired of people and what they believe in

So I'm going to change and pretend it's not real

Everything I see,taste,hear and feel

Now I'm not afraid of the voice in my head

Who speaks to me when I lie in bed

I'm going to live each day to the fullest

And not give a damn about who's "the coolest"

This time I will stand up for me

No one can tell me who I should be

And no one can tell me what I should do

I'll figure it out if I want to

It doesn't matter if I'm dead tomorrow

Please don't grieve and live in sorrow

Life is a dream

And our dreams are our lives

So I'll live my life without a troubled mind

i shot a man in reno, just to watch him die

i just got back from a cross country meet in bozeman, montana. It was such a blast. i had a really good feeling all weekend that it was going to be a great race, and it was. not anything like i had expected but it all turned out great.
we got to drive through yellowstone national park and see all the beautiful sights, wildlife, and geysers! it was awesome. i just ate it all up. i was caught off guard when i was waiting for beehive geyser to go off and i heard someone say "this is just so amazing, how can anyone look at this and not know that it was created by god?" i wanted to start explaining to them exactly how it was created without a god. but i didn't think my teammates would appreciate that very much. nor my coach who is a bishop.

it was absolutely wonderful. the course was on a golf course (which was scary because they were still letting people play golf!) and had a hilly first mile then miles 2 and 3 were relatively flat with rolling hills the last 200 meters to the finish. so my race plan that i had discussed with my coach was to go out medium/hard on the first mile, not killing myself on the hills, then pass five girls each mile after that. soooooo we started the race and my teammate kicked the back of my shoe!!! and i was wearing it like a slipper trying to keep it on up and down the hills. i was kind of freaking out because i didn't know if i would get disqualified without a shoe. so after about a mile of this i kicked off my shoe and ran the rest of the race with one shoe! it was intense and it hurt when i had to run down a gravel road. but my race ended up being the best race of the season so far. i came in 4th on my team which is the highest up i have ever finished on the team. our team got second out of 15 teams, weber state beat us by just a little (grrrr.) even though our top five girls were in before their top five, they still won.
it was such a fun race.

lame.

i miss my kyle scott trammell so much.
this really sucks.

sorry i promise my posts will get more meaningful. but really, missing kyle is all that is on my mind right now.

i just wrote an entire blog and then deleted it.

even though no one will ever read it but me. it's just good to get those feelings out somewhere.

i have dreams of orca whales and owls but i wake up in frear

no matter how hard i try i can't seem to drown out the sound of cars driving past like they have somewhere important to go. all my homework is done for once, it is eleven and i should be sound asleep right now. but i'm not, cause i haven't received that phone call. i am pretty pathetic. it's true. but these little things i look forward to everyday keep me going. i know. pathetic.


i look forward to getting dressed everyday. i have never been an i-wear-sweats-24/7-cause-i'm-cool-like-that kind of athlete. i like getting dressed to impress. i live for discussing quitting school and backpacking through europe with no money over aggie ice cream with my best roommate. talking about how school is not hard enough, and how we prefer boys with facial hair. wanting to read the great american novels, not because we are required to like in high school, but because we are more sophisticated now. i live for plans of a classy cocktail party complete with gloves and big hats and a summer road trip to canada where the drinking age is 18. i live for striking up conversations with strangers because they are wearing chacos. i live for e-friends that i know will make great real life friends if we ever find the time to hang out! i live for hearing my mom worry about what i am eating on the rare occasions that we talk on the phone. i live for being able to call my dad, crying in the engineering building's bathroom, because i saw an animal get tortured in a movie in Living with Wildlife. i live for all the wonderful people in my life that have made me who i am.

i know this is mean.....

can i just say that i LOVE it that the mean/cheerleader type girls that were considered "hot" and "popular" in high school are putting on extra pounds and kinda letting themselves go.
i love it.
i thought i would have to wait until my 10 year reunion to see the change.
i know that is very mean to say. but maybe now they will start to learn how to treat people because they can't get by on good looks anymore.

i am so mean.
i really don't care.
if only you knew.
it makes me so very happy inside.
i am going to hell.

we are like two indians sitting in a canoe

so here i am. back in logan. feeling pretty alone at the moment. my boy is down in salt lake still. and i am up here feeling like the constant third wheel in basically everyone's company. i am really happy for my friends and all of their new boyfriends, but it makes life kinda lonely for me. it's either be the third wheel, or don't hang out with people. it's getting old.

i like all of my classes. i have friends in most of them which is good cause i'm not very good at getting out of my comfort zone and meeting new people.
i love my house and my roomies are alright. there are a lot of jesus pictures up everywhere which is something new to me.
running is going very well, we have a great team this year and i am not injured. things are going very well for me right now..... okay maybe it has just been the past two days..... but i feel like i am on a roll.

she pulls her covers tighter

i haven't really written on this blog for a great while. i also really haven't talked to many friends/acquaintances in a while, nor responded to their messages/posts/phone calls.
i am sorry if you are one of those friends. please don't take it personally. i have been quite the flaky, selfish "friend" as of late.
sorry. it just has not been a good few months for me. i don't want to explain it but i hope my friends can understand.
so since summer is ending for me today. i thought i should maybe recap some of the poignant happenings and things i will miss...... but i have to pack because i am moving back up to logan tomorrow morning.... so that is going to have to wait.

feelings, feelings, feelings, blah, blah, blah.
i wish i could be numb too.
then maybe i wouldn't walk around feeling like i have been punched in the gut every second.

smoking cloves, you're the ghost of midem

i have realized there are many people in my life that try to make me feel like i am not good enough for them: not a good enough daughter, not a good enough friend, not a good enough girlfriend, not a good enough runner, not a good enough student, etc.
i am sick of feeling sorry for myself because others won't give me the validation that i seek so badly. i just want to feel like i am good enough for someone or something, but i don't yet. this is going to sound cheesy, but i think i have realized the important thing is to feel like i am good enough for myself, good enough that i can just be happy and proud of the way i am.
sometimes i think that people purposefully try to make me feel like i am not good enough for them so i feel thankful for them or something.
for example: some coaches i dealt with after high school would try to make it sound like it should be an honor for me to run for them. they would tell me all the other really fast runners that were looking at them too and they would try to play stupid mind games like that cause they thought it would make them seem prestigious and i would want to be a part of that. i didn't.
people in my life try to play those same games and it drives me nuts. it leaves me feeling hurt that i will never live up to what they want from me.
but i'm starting to not care anymore. i'm just gonna be the best daughter/friend/girlfriend/runner/student in the way that i know how.

things are getting better. i have finally realized the only way i can get out of this funk is to force myself to be happy. instead of crying when things are rough i put a smile on. my friend said that emotions follow facial expressions, so i figure if i put a smile on i will be cheerful a few minutes later. sometimes it's really awkward, especially when i am driving alone and i have a big cheesy grin on my face.

tonight i went to my first rodeo with megan, lacey, and lauren. it was awesome. i had no idea what i had been missing out on. i think i am going to see how many rodeos i can fit into my summer. first i need to purchase cowboy boots, a hat, and a big belt buckle! i'm excited :). it was really nice to just hang with the girls and be crazy. i feel like i haven't done that in forever.

another awesome thing that happened today was i got officially chainsaw certified!!! i cut down two dead trees, and limbed and bucked a couple of HUGE trees. i was extremely nervous cause i'm scared of cutting off my legs, but finally i feel more comfortable with the saw. nothing beats inhaling sawdust, sweat dripping down your face, bugs biting every exposed part of skin, and carrying a heavy chainsaw. i love my job so much. i really surprised myself, i didn't think i would be strong enough to use the chainsaw, but i built up the muscle and i can saw down any tree!!!

i'm being way more dedicated with my running now, and it is making me so happy. i don't know if it is the endorphins or just the feeling of accomplishment, but it is making me feel so much better about things.

i just need to make sure that i don't slip back into the funk. i hate it and it was no good for me at all. things are definitely all where i want them to be at the moment, but i am just trying to work at the things i can control, so that hopefully the things i can't control will go in my favor.

i'm sad. really sad.

and i can't quite shake it off.

i am getting sick of pretending for the sake of everyone else that everything is okay. and i still haven't figured out a way to make it all okay.

i am sick of not being able to go a day without crying.

i pretend to know what i am doing, but in reality i have no freaking clue.

i think i am about through with trying. you once asked me why i try so hard at things when in the end you thought i would end up like you anyway. well maybe you are right.

you have no idea how long that sentence has stuck with me. whenever i was about to give up i would think of you saying that to me again, anger would take over and i would force myself to not give up. well maybe, you. are. right.

there are so many things going on in my mind right now.



my heart is broken for my friend. i have no idea what to say or do. jumbled up, incoherent voice messages just don't cut it in this case, but that is all that i can seem to deliver. this girl is the sweetest girl i have ever met. through out the last year we have become pretty close. living together does that i guess.

i just can't even imagine.

i'm not sure what to say.

i feel empty and torn when i think about what she must be feeling.

her father took his own life and now everyone is left to wonder, why?

i don't know what to say. all i can seem to do is cry for her, and for him.

i really don't know what to do.

i need to do this right now.

when i am unhappy i have a list of things i do to try and change that. first exercise, then i shower, next i force myself to smile. if i am faced with a day like today, where none of the above will alleviate my unhappiness, i try to a compile a list of reasons i should be happy. here goes.

1. today while working on a trail in american fork canyon, i noticed we were surrounded by lush green plants and clouds that sprinkled rain upon us. it is how i imagine ireland would be. i then suggested we speak in irish accents for a while and the entire crew joined in. it was delightful.

2. 50% off on north face products. woo. go forest service.

3. my jeans from 7th grade still fit me.

4. stolen smokey the bear poster.

5. setting my brother up with a girl.

6. i have the best boyfriend ever. and i'm pretty sure if i told him to buy me a pony, he would.

7. i can call myself a sophomore now.

8. gas isn't $5.00 a gallon..... yet.

9. my kitten attacked bubbles.

that's all i have for now.

bye.

are you coming are you going are you leaving are you staying

my future often feels uncertain, i can't really plan ahead too far in advance because with me things seem to change so quickly. last year at this time it was environmental policy, but now i am unsure and leaning towards wildlife sciences. who knows what will happen.

running often seems uncertain. i know what i would like to happen with it, but injuries and setbacks keep preventing me from getting to that place. sometimes it seems like it would be much easier to give it all up. but then i remember that i am not and will never be a quitter.

uncertainty:
enough money for a car
will friendships survive another year
the weather
is the next president going to completely destroy america
africa next summer
keep or change my major
will my legs ever heal


uncertainty eats away at me all the time, it brings about self consciousness, loneliness and so many other scary feelings i don't like to think about.

but then there are the moments of certainty that get me through the bad times.
a soft kiss on the forehead to wake me up in the morning lets me know that i am loved. reassurance in the voice of a friend on the other end of a phone call lets me know she'll always be there.
parents that want me home at 11 pm, though yes it is often rather annoying, i like the security that i always get from them. their crazy rules let me know they care about me.
spending the weekend with his wonderful family lets me know that he is going to be a part of my life for a good while.

the feeling of certainty gives me the sense of control. even there are so many unexpected things that happen in this world, there are a few things i can rely on to be a constant in my life.

now we wear same-colored yellow uniforms

i am the luckiest girl on earth.

truly.

my job is amazing. almost every day i get to eat lunch on top of a mountain. i get to play in the mud and dirt. i get PAID to go camping. my muscles are getting bigger. everyday i get to push my limits and i always surprise myself with how hard i can actually work in a day. this job is so rewarding and i just feel so lucky that i have this opportunity.

there is a meadow up american fork canyon called Julie Andrews Meadow. i want to kiss the person that named it that. it makes me smile.

it's funny because my brother and i usually don't get along all that well, but lately he has finally been acting more like a big brother to me. he says he brags about me all day to his coworkers and friends and he keeps telling me how proud he is of me and the choices i have made in my life. since my parents are out of town and they don't trust me to be home alone, my brother stayed with me. we spent the majority of the day just talking and doing stuff together. we even contemplated going on an afternoon dirt bike ride. it's just amazing to me how when you're just one-on-one with someone you normally don't get along with the walls come down and it is possible to actually enjoy each other's company. it was nice.

with all these peaceful and happy things going on in my life there is also constant chaos that won't ever seem to go away. i don't know what to do about it. i'm beginning to think there is nothing i can do about it but smile and push through it, then hope that in 3 months it will be nonexistent. i highly doubt it.

so lets cause a scene, clap our hands, stop our feet!

So today was my first day of work. this is my first real life job. okay, yes i have been working since i was 14 starting with arctic circle then to midvale pool and on to so jo pool then the pie and coaching track with starbucks being next, but this is my first real-life-40-hour-a-week-job-that-will-actually-help-me-in-life. and today was very productive. today i:
learned how to operate a forest service walkie talkie
learned what to do in dangerous instances of lightning
carried huge logs up a trail
made a wall so the trail doesn't get washed out
got a forest service uniform (they are sooooo hawt)
learned how to properly treat the trail tools
but most importantly, i decided going into my first day that i was going to be completely myself and if nobody liked it than they could go..... i dunno. but yano what? i was so comfortable being myself that everyone around me was comfortable with me too. it was amazing. everyone i work with is probably about 25, but somehow i managed to befriend them all in the 9 1/2 hour worked today. i felt very successful today, and i'm so excited cause i love the crew that i am working with. I was also told that because of my experience of riding dirt bikes since the age of 6, that i will be getting certified to ride the trail bike to help haul stuff up in the deep wilderness. *seriously* i'm going to get paid to ride a dirt bike. i don't think it could get any better. i'm so excited for this job. i know i am going to be very tired, but it is just so awesome to take a step back and be like "hey, i built that wall."

i felt very successful and happy about my first day of work. but coming home was a different story. i'm still struggling with this whole living-with-the-parents-again-thing.

to top it all off. i have the most amazing boyfriend ever. i actually feel sorry for all of you because i can't really share him with you. :( too bad. but he always knows how to take the most horrible situations and make me smile.

some i kill, some i let go

sometimes i can't stop thinking it is like a constant movie playing in my head the thoughts cannot flow fast enough out of my fingertips as i type i am sick of being usure of things and upset all of the time i am sick of depending on things i should not depend on like shopping for instance it can only fill that emotional void for so long jesus that sounds so ridiculous when will i be able to be comfortable in my own skin i thought once i got to high school and then maybe college i would be able to break down this wall that i put up to keep myself from being vulnerable still not sure how to break it down i'm really pissed that whitney on cycle 10 of americas next top model it must be a conspiracy i really wanted anya to win she looks more modelesque maybe that is what triggered it tonight or it may have been when he said i look like a telephone pole i know he was joking but i take things too seriously a lot especially when it has something to do with things i am already self concious about i keep telling myself that there must be something kinda good about me or he wouldn't be with me i'm sure that is not attractive at all confidence = sexy that's what tyra says at least god she drives me crazy i miss my friends i miss my elyse and my other friends that are still in high school and don't have time to play i bought a new kitten to keep me preoccupied he likes to attack anything and everything he looks like a little bear i feel like i am my room has had a pile of clothes on the floor for two weeks and my dad hasn't even said anything about it i'm impressed and i am not planning on picking them up anytime soon i'm just sick of things right now and this post is ridiculous i am sorry if you wasted your time reading it all.

eff.

there's a humble abode in a heart that you know

i surprised myself today.
i have finally gotten to the point where i can take down all the pictures on my walls from high school and not get teary eyed. i still feel emotional about it, but it's a good emotion. This sounds incredibly ridiculous, but i think for the most part of my first year of college i just wanted to go back to the comfort of high school. I wanted the stability that my coaches, parents, and friends provided me everyday. But i have finally realized that I was just holding on to something that hasn't been there for a while. i have finally realized that it is time to find comfort and stability in the part of my life i am in now.

goals for the summer:
get more muscle (shouldn't be hard with my job)
wear less makeup
loose some fat
be happy
eat healthy

i am just extremely content right now.

now i seem to dream in color not black and white

i wish my thoughts could flow easily out through my fingertips. sometimes it feels like such a struggle to put my emotions into words, and it is even much harder for me to speak about them. it's like i am forcing words to form coherent sentences but in the end they don't do my feelings justice at all.

i keep telling myself that the loneliness i feel up here will end once school is over and i move back home. i am beginning to think that i may be relying on something to alter those feelings that inevitably won't. my dad keeps telling me that i need to find some sense of happiness within myself. i think i have always been searching, but the temporary happiness i have been able to grasp onto throughout the years has always been sufficient. but i don't want it to just be sufficient and temporary. i want it to be real. and i believe i have found something that is real. but i need to gain my internal happiness first so it can be perpetuated by my new source of happiness.

i am the happiest when i can be completely and utterly myself. without any threats or any reason to hold back. i feel myself when i am prancing around like a little girl, blowing bubbles in the wind, and sucking on otter pops. i am myself when i am running through the grass barefoot and trying not to fall because my vision is blocked by the locks of hair being blown in my face by the wind.

i'm looking forward to this summer and having many of my happiest moments.

then i'll dig a tunnel from my window to yours......

soooooo...... i'm glad that it is april 15th and it has been snowing all day! so much for global warming. i could use an 8 degree temperature increase right about now!
i guess i should just be thankful for yesterday. it was the first day of the year that i could wear a tank top and spandex shorts to practice. it was absolutely glorious.
i woke up this morning, looked in the mirror and actually saw a tan line from wearing my tank top at practice yesterday. so thinking that spring has finally sprung, i didn't bring my coat with me to my classes. brilliant idea. i walked out of my class only to find myself in a blizzard.
practice was great today as well. i love the feeling of shards of glass being blown into my face for 45 minutes. woo!

nah, it's not so bad. i just know that when summer hits and i'm out in the middle of nowhere doing trail maintenance in a long sleeve shirt that i will be wishing for today's weather.

i'm in an annoyed mood right now.
time for a list.

things that are annoying me right now:
girls that poof their hair- honestly are you hiding something under there or what?
elyse not coming home this summer- extremely selfish of me, i know, but she is my best friend and i have a right to be selfish about this.
logan weather- need i say more?
the fact that i am addicted to the bachelor- dumbest. show. ever. maybe i get pleasure in watching other girls make fools out of themselves? dunno.
i'm up here, and he's down there- the only thing that keeps me going through the week is the thought of the weekend.
not enough time to sleep

song i am loving at this moment: highway 20------the belefonte

turns and spins leave me breathless but with no sense of direction

whilst sitting in biology today i had an overwhelming feeling that made me feel smart and greatly depressed me.

my existence doesn't matter at all really.

ahem

life began 3.8 billion years ago. life went on for 2.4 billion years before the first multi cellular organism appeared. organisms then remained simple until about 660 million years ago when complex life forms occurred.

it threw me off to be speaking in billions of years. but then i realized how greatly insignificant my 100 or less years on this earth really are compared to billions of years.

then we talked about hominins and how they are the group that includes humans and all related species that arose after the last common ancestor of chimps and humans. we are the only ones that are still in existence. and compared to all the other hominins our existence is like a flash in time.

it's just mind boggling to me. where we have come from and it makes me wonder where we are going. it's kind of like the feeling i get when i look up at the stars and try to comprehend how far away they really are and how much of the universe we can't see. it makes me feel small. incredibly small.

when moments like this happen it makes me just want to stop doing what everyone else thinks i need to be doing and do what really and truly will make me happy. life seems so short to me. and my life isn't going to matter to anyone in 100 years from now. but i think i need to find a way to make my life matter to me. and that is by making myself happy. doing things not because i think that is what will make others around me happy, but because it makes me happy and content with my life.

i also realized that i wish i had something to believe in. like a religion that would maybe prove to me that there is a reason that i am here. in a way i am so jealous of my friends that they can believe that there some importance to this life. i wish i could make myself believe, but i have given up trying to force it upon myself. instead i will search for a way to make my life my own heaven on this earth, i suppose i will just have to make the best of all this.

it is amazing to me to think of where we have come from and all that has happened since the existence on this planet so that i could be sitting comfortably on my bed, typing this on my laptop. it makes things seem extremely trivial.

heaven is a switchboard that you want to fight

I'm so sick of being in college but having people around me act like they are in middle school. Unecessary drama is getting so old. Hate me all you want to, say all those nasty things about me. I'll be the first to admit that it hurts. It hurts pretty bad. I wish I didn't care, but I sure do. But I guess somehow you get pleasure in it..... way to go. have fun with that.

*A.D.D. Moment*

This is a picture of Rogue Wave. A band that brings so much happiness to my heart. I discovered their first album in the South Jordan Libarary. I spent an hour or so killing time and browsing the library CDs when i picked up Descended Like Vultures. I thought it showed promise...... and I fell in love. I recently purchased thier new album and am once again rekindling the love i have for them. They are coming to play at Thanksgiving Point with Death Cab on May 26th. I am so *excited*


As I have been evaluating my first year of college I have come to one conclusion...... i didn't really live it up as much as i could've. sure there was that period of two weeks before finals last year where i pretty much gave up on school, burnt christmas trees, went hot tubbing and had sleepovers with cassie every night. But this semester with Cassie gone, a wonderful new boyfriend, and loads of homework, i have been far too responsible. So in my quest to live like a real freshman, i have 3 weeks before finals to be crazy and spontaneous. So time not spent studying will be spent doing things on my awesome possum list of things to do before my freshman year is over:

1- dumpster diving in the art department dumpsters
2-sneak into at least five hot tubs in logan area
3-multiple bonfires up the canyon school nights (yikes!)


okay, that's all i really have. pretty lame i know, but for me that's pretty darn good.

and the ripped ones say goodbye

I have started to feel nostalgic about my freshman year up at utah state. i dunno. it's weird to think that i am almost done with my freshman year of college. there are a lot of things i regret (wasted kisses) and a lot of things i will miss (to many to put into parantheses) so i will compile a list (you probably know of my love for lists, it is almost as great as my love for parentheses).
things i will miss about my freshman year of college:

-davis hall- true it looks like a bomb shelter, and i was always embarrassed to show people where i live, but i have truly fallen completely attached to many aspects of this place.... like the banisters that are perfect for sliding down.

-the boys of 401- i feel bad, i haven't seen much of these boys this semester, since cassie and andrew left it hasn't been the same. these boys always put me in my place and help me open my door with a butter knife when i get locked out. i will never forget that infamous christmas tree burning on my birthday.

-being a freshman- being a freshman has been good to me. i am naturally gullible and ditsy. when people see me in my natural state they just say "oh, she's just a freshman, it's okay." but i have a feeling that next year i will need to find some new excuse for my weirdness.

-not having a car- true it was rather obnoxious at times not being able to just drive to the store, but i had gotten rather used to riding the public transportation, riding my bike, or cross country skiing around. didn't have to pay for gas, or parking.

-walking into valley view towers- i will deeply miss the estrogen overload that i feel when i walk into the all girls tower. ew. no i won't.

regrets
-kissing stupid people
-liking stupid people
-not breaking it off sooner with stupid people that always made me feel like crap.
-i kinda regret being anti-social, but not too much. i got good grades fool.
-not keeping in touch with people i really care about
-being a pushover
-not investing in good winter boots in december
-getting addicted to too much abc television

next year i will
-be more social
-get more involved in activities
-go to ethiopia to research environmental stuff
-study even harder
-be number one on the team
-focus more on the things that make me happy and eliminate the things that don't
-i really want to write for the paper. i miss it baaaaadly.
-find out where to buy blueberry pomegranate swirl with dark chocolate ice cream. :)

i want a pony.

today was a crazy day. all the snow on the ground when i woke up was a total shock and threw me off a bit. i just want to be able to run in my spandex shorts and a tank top. is that too much to ask for?

running has been going so great. i feel like my old self again. i haven't felt this way since a year and a half ago. i'm going to run in my first race in 5ish months on friday at BYU. i'm pretty nervous, but at the same time i feel like there isn't really any pressure on me from anyone but myself. i love the feeling of being sore and exhausted after a hard day of practice. i love it so much.

classes are all going extremely well. i'm kinda surprising myself. it seems all i do is study. it helps keep my mind off of missing someone. i am completely in love with my major. i honestly couldn't picture myself doing anything else.

i've been going home a lot lately. it's been so nice. i don't know why my homesickness is hitting at the end of the year. it's strange. 5ish more weeks. can't wait to go back to things that are more familiar.

epitome of perfection

i've come to the realization that everything in my life is completely and utterly perfect. At times things may seem really sucky, but honestly those sucky times are the times that make me a better person.

i have strong legs to run on that pay for living and college. I think my injuries this year have helped me to figure out if running is really what i want to be doing for the next four years of my life. There's nothing like having something taken away and then realizing how bad you really want it. this week has been my first week starting to run with the team again.... it's been one rough week, i'm not gonna lie. i haven't been this sore in a very long time. but it feels so good to be working hard again at something i love. and the free massages from the trainers aren't all that bad either.

For the first time in my life i feel like i am exactly where i should be. i know i am in the right major, i know that running is supposed to be a huge part of my life, and i know that he is the best guy on earth for me right now. when i take a step back and look at where i am, and look at the big picture of where i am headed, i really like it. quite a lot actually. it's when i get too focused on the little details of my life that seem to be all wrong that i get frustrated and pessimistic. but then i think of the people cheering me on in life: coaches as they grin widely the first time they see me run across the track in 4 months, parents who would drive 5 hours just to see me run a five minute race, amazing boyfriend that rides his bike next to me while i run, friends that come to the gym with me on a saturday morning when they could be sleeping in..... all these amazing people in my life that i know i cannot ever let down..... give me strength and help keep me focused on my goals.

the distance that keeps you from knowing the truth

it's all so hard to explain.

i can sit and try to write it all down to maybe gain some clarity, but even then i still get lost in my own thoughts.
it's all an assortment of things happening to me. the feeling of losing my best friend, knowing it is inevitable, and not being able to do anything about it. fear of moving back in with my dad, just hoping it will be better than the first 18 years. being excited and terrified at the same time about my summer job, not really knowing what to expect, hope i can handle it. going throught the same monotonous day which ends exactly the same, retiring to my room all alone. Feeling so completely and utterly alone 5 days a week. Seeing all the people around me changing so drastically in the last seven months and wondering if i have changed that drastically as well. the overwhelming thoughts that i will never get back to where i was before in running because right now it seems so far away.

can't talk to my judgemental roommates, and i'm not close enough to anyone anymore to be able to burden them with my troubles or actually feel like they would even give a crap. it takes time to explain things. much more time than a five minute phone convorsation can handle. you're the only one that i would expect to care but i don't want to trouble you with my stupid crap when you are trying to have a good time with your friend. i don't want to be the one to drag you down. i don't want you to be sad cause i am. i don't want you to worry.

i. don't. even. know.

wa, wa, wa.

went home this week for a day. it was greatly needed. there's nothing like the security of having my dad around to figure things out for me, my mommy's asian food, and surprising my boyfriend with a tea party. it made me happy, and now i think i can get through the coming weeks.

i pretty much got a job for the summer working for the pleasant grove forest service. i will most likely be doing trail maintenance. hiking all summer with a backpack, shovel and some tools. i will be chopping down trees, moving logs, digging trenches, etc. i can't wait. i'm going to be in good shape. :) it's amazing how complete strangers are so willing to help those that show a strong desire to do something. i couldn't have gotten a job with the forest service without those nice strangers.

i'll be down in zion national park for the duration of spring break. the plan is we will be camping out and doing service for a week. we're going to pull out an invasive plant called tamarisk and re-plant native plants. i'm *excited*. but a part of me wishes i could just go home and relax for spring break. meh.

I walked into a store yesterday, praying that i wouldn't run into him. it was a good thing he wasn't there, cause i honestly don't know what i would've said. things are so much simpler now. one less thing to worry about.

i am missing someone so incredibly much.

tell me what ya saw.

being alone makes me nervous. and i've never been good at handling nerves. that constant feeling of tears behind my eyes gives me quite a headache.

i feel like i say too much. i'm not very good at hiding emotions. i know i freak you out a lot, but you sure do a brilliant job of making me feel like i am not crazy. i greatly appreciate that.

i think to much. all this excessive thinking/saying weighs me down, but i try to analyze how not to screw my life up. it sure is difficult.

sometimes i wish i was one of those people that could just walk around with a smile on her face while secretly crying inside. i wish i was that person for the sake of all those around me. but the truth is, i'm not. i am not fake. if i have a smile on my face it's because i have something to smile about. i am an emotional person and it may drive people crazy, but i'm just passionate about the things and people i care about.

sometimes i just need to have a quick sob session, or just be alone and take a good deep breath between classes. my favorite places to go are the bathroom on the second floor of the geology building or the bathroom on the south side of the biology natural resources building. surprisingly everytime i have ever gone in these two bathrooms no one has been in there. These are my favorite spots because of the natural lighting. the sun shines right through the big windows and it's always really warm. it's like walking into a warm hug. :).

i don't know what the point of this blog was, but oh well. i just needed to write down some things for a bit. thanks for reading.

rainbow days come after rain and both make life a little less plain.

i hate this feeling of helplessness.
i hate knowing that he is hurting and frustrated.
i'm not there.
i would take it all for him if i could.
he feels like he is drowning.
and i want to jump in and save him.
put his weight around me and swim to safety.
but all i can do is stare and gawk awkwardly.
i don't know what to do.
i can listen.
and hope that he will just keep kicking his feet.

please keep kicking, dear.

to be alone with me.

the soap leaves a residue in the holder
what was meant to cleanse
leaves something to be cleaned
behind.

i will let it run just to see
how hot it can get
how much can i stand?

turing the knob left every few minutes with my toes
my body absorbs the heat
until the knob won't turn anymore.

i need this warmth to stay with me
till morning
when i wake and must again take in the coldness of the world.

this isn't a kinkos

"at least YOU know who you are, kim"

these words hit me hard. i pretend to know who i am, cause i really don't know. but it makes me wonder, does anyone really know? isn't that what life is all about? figuring ourselves out so that we know how to make ourselves happy?
it makes me wonder if these skinny jeans, bangs, makeup, brazilian bracelet, etc...... if these things are really who i am, or am i just pretending to be someone i am not.
i see that girl with dredlocks at the gym, working out on the eliptical. is that who she really is?

now you would say, 'of course not, outside appearances aren't a reflection of the person inside.'
but why isn't it. i think it should be. it makes more sense for us to be who we really are inside and out.

when i look around at the things in my room that are *me* i only see a few things:
mr. tickles
buttercup
running shoes
watch
dark chocolate
'the last unicorn'

sometimes i get so sick of the feeling of being copied. so sick of feeling unoriginal and like someone else will get the credit for my ideas about what makes me, *me*. sometimes it is so overwhelming, i don't feel like i am my own person, i feel like there is just another extension of me walking around out there. pretending to be me. what they don't know, is i actually don't have any idea who i am myself.
i always wonder why they can't come up with ideas of their own, why they pretend they are someone they are not. but i guess it is just because they don't know who they are at all and they need something to grasp onto, to put out the image that they know exactly who they are. well, i can see right through you.
i hate it when you pretend to be me, and i hate it when you pretend to be her. i wish that you could just be your own person.

help.

i need a slurpee run.

for a second there i felt you disappear.... i talk out loud like your still around.

i've been having a hard time getting to bed at a reasonable time. not sure why. it's not like i'm doing anything really productive. just writing blogs, msning, and chatting with roommates. sometimes i get so caught up in life and school that i don't take time to appreciate the little things that make up my day. it's little discoveries that make me smile. like finding out there is a compartment shelf thing behind the bathroom mirror. that was exciting. or talking to a friend hundreds of miles away.

it's strange how missing someone so much that i literally feel pain in my chest is actually one of the best feelings ever. just knowing that i can care so much about someone. it feels great. :)

i'm going to try to stop worrying about things and making myself feel so overwhelmed. i wish someone was here to tell me to "just take a good deep breath, and everything is going to be okay." but he's not here anymore and i'm trying to get used to that. i've started to see there is no point in hanging on to something that isn't there anymore. and he shouldn't be, he has no obligation to me anymore. he *is* my hero, and he changed my life. it's just this awkward situation now. he's out there changing other athlete's lives.

i get a lot of excitment out of setting two people up. like really though. and this usually only occurs when i am completely content with my love life and i want others to feel the same happiness. so i am currently working on candidates for my two lovely roommates, my best friend, my alex friend, my brother and meh just about anyone that is currently single. this may be annoying to you, but i like it and it brings me joy to see twitterpation in othere people's eyes.

i am in a really thankful mood right now. so bear with me. i have the best best friend ever. she lets me take over her bed for hours at a time, goes with me to the gym when i tell her she has to, brings me delicious cupcakes, and tells me i have big, beautiful eyes, and lucious lips when i am feeling insecure. i don't know what i would do without her. like seriously though.

happiness is:
sleeping in
not spilling my tea on me for once
still being friends
running without pain
seeing him
feeling secure with the place i am at
having a nice hair day
lectures about sea turtles
trust
bestest friends in the whole wide world
slipping, but not falling
flowers that are still alive
sunshine on my face
dry sidewalks

call it a craze, it's just a phase, or will this be around forever?

my day:
well got only 5 hours of sleep the night before. so there's that.
decided i need to cut down on the coffee, so i went for the tea instead.
poured scorching hot tea down the front of me in math class, also got it all over my assignemnt.
didn't dry very fast, so i went outside and it froze
that tea was also the sleepy kind of tea, so that didn't help to keep me awake.
lost my ron paul pin (which isn't so bad cause i have another)
found out i couldn't vote today cause i'm registered in so jo.
my shin is hurting again
i'm redshirtting indoor track
disected an owl pellet. pretty sure i inhaled a bunch of rodent fur.
missed vegan baking party.

it's weird to talk to people i once dated. it's interesting to see how after i have distanced myself from them they seem so different. honestly, when i bump into you in the tsc the last thing i want is for you to strike up a convorsation with me. when you see me look at you then quickly look at the floor, that means i want to avoid all possible convorsation with you. so don't whisper "KIM!" thinking that i will be so excited to talk to you. chances are, i will make up an excuse as to why i need to hurry and leave. you couldn't be honest with me while we were "dating" but i'm gonna be honest with you now. i don't want to be your friend so please back off.

that was harsh.

i know tomorrow will be a good day, cause i'm gonna wear my cute new dress.

climate change

the closest thing i can think of to describe the feeling is it was like being an atheist at church. everyone was in agreement with what they were saying, no one questioned the information that was being told to us. i began to question myself and my own beliefs.
i'm glad i went. it was such a good learning opportuinty. it has left me feeling unsure of myself. i don't think this is necesarily a bad thing, i just need to rethink my ideas about this world we live on.
i wanted to argue with them. i wanted to question them, but i don't have enough guts to stand up in a room full of people that believe the same thing and question their information.
but in my head i question it.

sometimes in this world you have to question everything that people say. there is so much conflicting information out there and it is hard to decide what is real and what is made up so that someone can gain money and power. that's an awfully pessamistic way to look at life, but it seem a necessary thing to do now.

lemon tree, very pretty, and the lemon flower is sweet, but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat.

all i want is for people to like me. even if i hate someone, i still seek their approval. this is something that bothers me greatly about myself. i was very surprised at how easy it is for people to see this about me. "you just want the approval of everyone, and you depend on their approval for happiness." that was said to me by papa G (coach gensel). Am i that obvious? don't answer that.

i wish i could just walk into a room and be so confident that i could walk up to anyone and strike up a convorsation. but i'm not. that boy has commented on my hair, mittens, scarf and hat. what more is there for him to say to me. after a while he is going to run out of convorsation starters. but i just have to be a convorsation killer and respond with one word answers: "yes," "no," "thanks," then turn the other way.

my dad says i must look approachable because people keep on striking up random convorsations with me, but i wish i knew a way to not be so anti-social. geh.

i feel stupid when i answer questions wrong in class, and my professor is friends with my coach, and also he is my advisor. my face turned red.

i love surprises. but it makes it awfully hard for me to ever get mad at him. not that i could. but still. i was missing the first book in the twilight series, and lo and behold i discovered today that someone put a copy on my shelf next to new moon and eclipse. seriously. who does that?

"i'm a bitch, i'm a tease, i'm a goddess on my knees, when you hurt when you suffer i'm your angel undercover"

a promise.

I, Kimberly Tu Quinn, swear to do everything in my power to be the number one distance runner on the Utah State University track/cross country team by this time next year. I will take my injuries seriously and make sure they are fully healed before i push it too hard. I will only eat ice cream once a week. I swear to get at least 8 hours of sleep a night. I swear to give 110% in every workout. I swear to take all preventative injury measures known to man. I will never slack off. I swear to be an uplifting teammate and support them as much as I can. I swear to put running before anything else in my life, except family. By doing these things, I know that i can reach my highest potential as a runner and a person.

~Kimberly Tu Quinn January 28th two thousand and eight.

or what it was...

I finally invested in a suitable winter coat. basically nothing goes through it. No wind, nor water, nothing penetrates the surface... it's quite lovely. I find myself walking a lot more, now that i can withstand the frigid weather. while walking to class today i discovered an ice skating rink in the tower's parking lot. i am very tempted to take my skates over there and do a few spins.

there is nothing like the feeling of having someone there to take care of you when you are sick. someone to put their arm around you and tuck you into a mound of blankets. having someone tell you that you are the most beautiful girl in the world even though you have a 105 degree fever. some one that buys me lillies and leaves them outside my door.

for spring break i am planning on going to zion national park to do some service. we will be there a week and the plan is to pull up the talmisk (invasive plant that uses a gallon of water a day and makes it so animals cannot get access to the river), then plant native plants in the area. the remainder of the time we will be hiking. i am so excited for this opportunity to meet new people and to do service in a place that i love! i just hope everything works out then i will be so happy!

this semester has been amazing so far. i know, i know it's not very far into the semester, but i just feel so happy and content about life. i am loving my classes: math, biology, biology lab, living with wildlife and english! i am actually able to concentrate and i find myself getting a lot done and actually learning the material. i have the best crackerbear on earth that treats me like a princess. :)

that is all that is going on in my life as of right now.

you are my sunshine

i was hurt. i really was. i read what he wrote about me and it hurt. i think that was the intention. well it worked. but it's okay because i am over it. i have realized i should just surround myself with positive things and positive relationships. The ones that lift me up instead of making me feel down. There are so many people in my life that i know truly care about me... why have i spent so much time focusing on the ones that don't. i'm through with that. and that makes me smile.

so today was one of the best days i have had in a long time. here's why:
-two old ladies in the library commented on how much they love my boots
-girl in the bathroom said she loved my hat
-boy in math class said he liked my scarf
-we have a ron paul club on campus and i joined
-political discussion for two hours
-as well as a two hour religious discussion
-sunshine
-my new asian friend fellow libertarian and ron paul lover, Denny! (also i found out we have biology together)
-did not fall asleep in biology
-secret notes hidden throughout my room (found the ones in my tissue box, running shoe, english binder, and moose cup)
-i'm getting tanner

yes today was a good day. i actually accomplished a lot and learned so much. the political discussion was the best. the libertarian representative kicked ass at answering the questions. but i was annoyed with the republican representative because he did not act like a republican at all. i was rather upset at the lack of people that showed up. there were maybe 20 of us. it is absolutely ridiculous. i can't believe how ignorant people are, how they are just perfectly content with idiots running the country. geh. it's frustrating how ignorant people are.

i am happy. sunshinekylewarmthmittens.

my dear friend.

my best guyfriend is leaving on his mission next week. i am terrible with goodbyes so this is going to be hard for me. i have known him since kindergarten, so it will be very hard to not have him be a part of my life for two years. it's true what people say.... when someone leaves on a mission it is almost like they die. but when they come back everyone has already gotten so used to having them gone that they don't really have a place in anyone's lives anymore. this scares me, cause i always want him to be a part of my life. i will miss him so much.

i had a crush on him, he had a crush on me. we were in fifth grade and he sat right next to me. in seventh grade he let me share his locker with him. he always bought me the best presents for birthdays or christmas, he had the best taste out of all of my friends, including the girls. when our friend circle spilt apart he was still there for me. he let me cheat off of him in ap chemistry, he would tell me that i'm good at it even though everyone knows i was the dumbest in the class. that's what i loved about him, he would lie to me to make me feel better. it worked. we were lab partners and he did all the work. he would buy me lunch all the time even though i had a boyfriend. we got in a lot of fights. we would yell at eachother, but we always knew we would be friends no matter what. him and tyler were the only boys my parents liked all through middle school and high school. we made a pact that if we are not married by the time we are 30, we will marry eachother. i'm all right with that. i will miss him so much, my best friend, my brother, my shopping buddy. geh. i hate saying goodbye.

geh.

i am not okay. i thought i was. i kept telling myself i was, but often, things will build up and come flooding out all at once. it did today.

i love running with all my heart, running is who i am. i don't ever want to know what life would be like without running. this is why i am so, so, so frustrated right now. my heart wants to just run forever, but my body can't take it.

i am sad/frustrated/annoyed/emberassed.

and i miss my best friend.