Monday, March 31, 2008

i want a pony.

today was a crazy day. all the snow on the ground when i woke up was a total shock and threw me off a bit. i just want to be able to run in my spandex shorts and a tank top. is that too much to ask for?

running has been going so great. i feel like my old self again. i haven't felt this way since a year and a half ago. i'm going to run in my first race in 5ish months on friday at BYU. i'm pretty nervous, but at the same time i feel like there isn't really any pressure on me from anyone but myself. i love the feeling of being sore and exhausted after a hard day of practice. i love it so much.

classes are all going extremely well. i'm kinda surprising myself. it seems all i do is study. it helps keep my mind off of missing someone. i am completely in love with my major. i honestly couldn't picture myself doing anything else.

i've been going home a lot lately. it's been so nice. i don't know why my homesickness is hitting at the end of the year. it's strange. 5ish more weeks. can't wait to go back to things that are more familiar.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

epitome of perfection

i've come to the realization that everything in my life is completely and utterly perfect. At times things may seem really sucky, but honestly those sucky times are the times that make me a better person.

i have strong legs to run on that pay for living and college. I think my injuries this year have helped me to figure out if running is really what i want to be doing for the next four years of my life. There's nothing like having something taken away and then realizing how bad you really want it. this week has been my first week starting to run with the team again.... it's been one rough week, i'm not gonna lie. i haven't been this sore in a very long time. but it feels so good to be working hard again at something i love. and the free massages from the trainers aren't all that bad either.

For the first time in my life i feel like i am exactly where i should be. i know i am in the right major, i know that running is supposed to be a huge part of my life, and i know that he is the best guy on earth for me right now. when i take a step back and look at where i am, and look at the big picture of where i am headed, i really like it. quite a lot actually. it's when i get too focused on the little details of my life that seem to be all wrong that i get frustrated and pessimistic. but then i think of the people cheering me on in life: coaches as they grin widely the first time they see me run across the track in 4 months, parents who would drive 5 hours just to see me run a five minute race, amazing boyfriend that rides his bike next to me while i run, friends that come to the gym with me on a saturday morning when they could be sleeping in..... all these amazing people in my life that i know i cannot ever let down..... give me strength and help keep me focused on my goals.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

the distance that keeps you from knowing the truth

it's all so hard to explain.

i can sit and try to write it all down to maybe gain some clarity, but even then i still get lost in my own thoughts.
it's all an assortment of things happening to me. the feeling of losing my best friend, knowing it is inevitable, and not being able to do anything about it. fear of moving back in with my dad, just hoping it will be better than the first 18 years. being excited and terrified at the same time about my summer job, not really knowing what to expect, hope i can handle it. going throught the same monotonous day which ends exactly the same, retiring to my room all alone. Feeling so completely and utterly alone 5 days a week. Seeing all the people around me changing so drastically in the last seven months and wondering if i have changed that drastically as well. the overwhelming thoughts that i will never get back to where i was before in running because right now it seems so far away.

can't talk to my judgemental roommates, and i'm not close enough to anyone anymore to be able to burden them with my troubles or actually feel like they would even give a crap. it takes time to explain things. much more time than a five minute phone convorsation can handle. you're the only one that i would expect to care but i don't want to trouble you with my stupid crap when you are trying to have a good time with your friend. i don't want to be the one to drag you down. i don't want you to be sad cause i am. i don't want you to worry.

i. don't. even. know.

Friday, March 7, 2008

wa, wa, wa.

went home this week for a day. it was greatly needed. there's nothing like the security of having my dad around to figure things out for me, my mommy's asian food, and surprising my boyfriend with a tea party. it made me happy, and now i think i can get through the coming weeks.

i pretty much got a job for the summer working for the pleasant grove forest service. i will most likely be doing trail maintenance. hiking all summer with a backpack, shovel and some tools. i will be chopping down trees, moving logs, digging trenches, etc. i can't wait. i'm going to be in good shape. :) it's amazing how complete strangers are so willing to help those that show a strong desire to do something. i couldn't have gotten a job with the forest service without those nice strangers.

i'll be down in zion national park for the duration of spring break. the plan is we will be camping out and doing service for a week. we're going to pull out an invasive plant called tamarisk and re-plant native plants. i'm *excited*. but a part of me wishes i could just go home and relax for spring break. meh.

I walked into a store yesterday, praying that i wouldn't run into him. it was a good thing he wasn't there, cause i honestly don't know what i would've said. things are so much simpler now. one less thing to worry about.

i am missing someone so incredibly much.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

tell me what ya saw.

being alone makes me nervous. and i've never been good at handling nerves. that constant feeling of tears behind my eyes gives me quite a headache.

i feel like i say too much. i'm not very good at hiding emotions. i know i freak you out a lot, but you sure do a brilliant job of making me feel like i am not crazy. i greatly appreciate that.

i think to much. all this excessive thinking/saying weighs me down, but i try to analyze how not to screw my life up. it sure is difficult.

sometimes i wish i was one of those people that could just walk around with a smile on her face while secretly crying inside. i wish i was that person for the sake of all those around me. but the truth is, i'm not. i am not fake. if i have a smile on my face it's because i have something to smile about. i am an emotional person and it may drive people crazy, but i'm just passionate about the things and people i care about.

sometimes i just need to have a quick sob session, or just be alone and take a good deep breath between classes. my favorite places to go are the bathroom on the second floor of the geology building or the bathroom on the south side of the biology natural resources building. surprisingly everytime i have ever gone in these two bathrooms no one has been in there. These are my favorite spots because of the natural lighting. the sun shines right through the big windows and it's always really warm. it's like walking into a warm hug. :).

i don't know what the point of this blog was, but oh well. i just needed to write down some things for a bit. thanks for reading.

Monday, March 3, 2008

rainbow days come after rain and both make life a little less plain.

i hate this feeling of helplessness.
i hate knowing that he is hurting and frustrated.
i'm not there.
i would take it all for him if i could.
he feels like he is drowning.
and i want to jump in and save him.
put his weight around me and swim to safety.
but all i can do is stare and gawk awkwardly.
i don't know what to do.
i can listen.
and hope that he will just keep kicking his feet.

please keep kicking, dear.