now i seem to dream in color not black and white

i wish my thoughts could flow easily out through my fingertips. sometimes it feels like such a struggle to put my emotions into words, and it is even much harder for me to speak about them. it's like i am forcing words to form coherent sentences but in the end they don't do my feelings justice at all.

i keep telling myself that the loneliness i feel up here will end once school is over and i move back home. i am beginning to think that i may be relying on something to alter those feelings that inevitably won't. my dad keeps telling me that i need to find some sense of happiness within myself. i think i have always been searching, but the temporary happiness i have been able to grasp onto throughout the years has always been sufficient. but i don't want it to just be sufficient and temporary. i want it to be real. and i believe i have found something that is real. but i need to gain my internal happiness first so it can be perpetuated by my new source of happiness.

i am the happiest when i can be completely and utterly myself. without any threats or any reason to hold back. i feel myself when i am prancing around like a little girl, blowing bubbles in the wind, and sucking on otter pops. i am myself when i am running through the grass barefoot and trying not to fall because my vision is blocked by the locks of hair being blown in my face by the wind.

i'm looking forward to this summer and having many of my happiest moments.