Monday, June 30, 2008

i'm sad. really sad.

and i can't quite shake it off.

i am getting sick of pretending for the sake of everyone else that everything is okay. and i still haven't figured out a way to make it all okay.

i am sick of not being able to go a day without crying.

i pretend to know what i am doing, but in reality i have no freaking clue.

i think i am about through with trying. you once asked me why i try so hard at things when in the end you thought i would end up like you anyway. well maybe you are right.

you have no idea how long that sentence has stuck with me. whenever i was about to give up i would think of you saying that to me again, anger would take over and i would force myself to not give up. well maybe, you. are. right.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

there are so many things going on in my mind right now.

my heart is broken for my friend. i have no idea what to say or do. jumbled up, incoherent voice messages just don't cut it in this case, but that is all that i can seem to deliver. this girl is the sweetest girl i have ever met. through out the last year we have become pretty close. living together does that i guess.

i just can't even imagine.

i'm not sure what to say.

i feel empty and torn when i think about what she must be feeling.

her father took his own life and now everyone is left to wonder, why?

i don't know what to say. all i can seem to do is cry for her, and for him.

i really don't know what to do.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

i need to do this right now.

when i am unhappy i have a list of things i do to try and change that. first exercise, then i shower, next i force myself to smile. if i am faced with a day like today, where none of the above will alleviate my unhappiness, i try to a compile a list of reasons i should be happy. here goes.

1. today while working on a trail in american fork canyon, i noticed we were surrounded by lush green plants and clouds that sprinkled rain upon us. it is how i imagine ireland would be. i then suggested we speak in irish accents for a while and the entire crew joined in. it was delightful.

2. 50% off on north face products. woo. go forest service.

3. my jeans from 7th grade still fit me.

4. stolen smokey the bear poster.

5. setting my brother up with a girl.

6. i have the best boyfriend ever. and i'm pretty sure if i told him to buy me a pony, he would.

7. i can call myself a sophomore now.

8. gas isn't $5.00 a gallon..... yet.

9. my kitten attacked bubbles.

that's all i have for now.