Wednesday, May 14, 2008

some i kill, some i let go

sometimes i can't stop thinking it is like a constant movie playing in my head the thoughts cannot flow fast enough out of my fingertips as i type i am sick of being usure of things and upset all of the time i am sick of depending on things i should not depend on like shopping for instance it can only fill that emotional void for so long jesus that sounds so ridiculous when will i be able to be comfortable in my own skin i thought once i got to high school and then maybe college i would be able to break down this wall that i put up to keep myself from being vulnerable still not sure how to break it down i'm really pissed that whitney on cycle 10 of americas next top model it must be a conspiracy i really wanted anya to win she looks more modelesque maybe that is what triggered it tonight or it may have been when he said i look like a telephone pole i know he was joking but i take things too seriously a lot especially when it has something to do with things i am already self concious about i keep telling myself that there must be something kinda good about me or he wouldn't be with me i'm sure that is not attractive at all confidence = sexy that's what tyra says at least god she drives me crazy i miss my friends i miss my elyse and my other friends that are still in high school and don't have time to play i bought a new kitten to keep me preoccupied he likes to attack anything and everything he looks like a little bear i feel like i am my room has had a pile of clothes on the floor for two weeks and my dad hasn't even said anything about it i'm impressed and i am not planning on picking them up anytime soon i'm just sick of things right now and this post is ridiculous i am sorry if you wasted your time reading it all.

2 comments:

Amanda said...

so...I just happened to come across your blog, I feel that I can really relate. my roommate yelled at me once for being so down on myself when there was no reason to be, it kinda made me think. Step back and WOW did i really waste all of that time worrying about so much that wasn't even going to matter in a week, month, year...whatever. Confidence, that word has come to mean so much to me, i have been trying to find it in myself over the past few years, it is something that i have struggled with, i think everybody struggles with. i read john mayer's blog the other day, he said our generation struggles with a toxic level of self-consciousness. It is so true. There is a fine line between confidence and being conceited, i have observed many people and seen what confidence can do for a person. I saw this girl who did not fit the typical popular mold and yet - everybody loved her, and wanted to be friends with her. I kept asking myself what she had that I didn't and I finally figured it out, she had confidence and that was what I severely lacked at that time. sorry this is long...and rambling...but basically, your writing really impressed me, keep up the good work, and don't ever give up on trying to be your complete self :)

Elysie said...

kim. i'm pissed about whitney too. there is nothing i can say to make you like yourself, and there is nothing i or anyone else can do to make you stop finding flaws. but don't let it engulf you. i love and miss you more than anything.