My parent's 30th anniversary was yesterday december 30, 2009. this is a picture of them in a chapel in las vegas 30 years ago. and not just in any chapel, the circus circus chapel :).

through my parent's marriage i have learned so very much. they are a very good example to me and teach me many important things that i know will be important to incorporate into my marriage someday.

i'm not saying they have a perfect blissful marriage, but they have a marriage that has survived many ups and downs and several trying times. i am thankful for their example that has taught me not to give up when things are rough, and that working things out is the only option. they have shown me the importance of forgiveness and unconditional love in a marriage. my mother has always been such a solid person and such a hard worker. she does so much for the marriage and for our family it often astounds me that a person can do that much! my father has always put family before anything else. he shows his love by always spending lots of time with us. he was such a great father, always sticking to his guns even when it would be easier just to give in and spoil us, but he knew in the long run that would not make us happy. i am so grateful for my parents and their marriage that has taught me so much. congrats on 30 years mommy and daddy!

where

i long to be in a place where i don't feel stifled to the point of near madness,
where i can run outside without fear of another bout of bronchitis,
where people don't try so hard to look like they rolled out of bed,
where i am not just a number or another blurry face in a crowd,
where i won't get stuck in traffic,
where people build their houses around the existing trees

where people are real
and friends don't lie,
where clocks don't matter,
where roads aren't paved
and dogs aren't on leashes

where i can walk around barefoot
and not step on glass,
where people sit on porches
and wave at the seldom seen passer by

where gardens grow,
where people cook,
where i have time to read a book

where we can all live free
and be whoever it is we want to be

i long for a place like this.

oh nine was mighty fine!

the annual survey:

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before? got baptized, lived in provo, went to mexico, had a car, learned how to knit, turned 21, went canyoneering
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions? no.. i always resolve that i will floss every day, but it never sticks
4. Did anyone close to you die? yes, my good friend blake strebel
5. What countries did you visit? MEXICO!
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?better grades, faster legs,a better relationship with my family, a nice mountain bike
7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? May 9, 2009, the day i got baptized
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? turning my life around
9. What was your biggest failure? STATS 2000
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? a painful shin, bronchitis, got sick from the water in mexico, and had swine flu
11. What was the best thing you bought? my rubber boots
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Ron Paul
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Obama's
14. Where did most of your money go? phone bill, my car, rent, and food!
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?floating down the provo river, going to virginia, bonfires, drew danburry shows, lake powell.
16. What songs will always remind you of 2009? mgmt-kids, any bon iver, any lady gaga
17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier?: much, much happier. happier than i have ever been. i have finally figured out how to have eternal happiness.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? reading
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? caring what other people think
20. Who had the biggest influence on your life in 2009? blake, logan, steve, heath, caroline, and ali
21. What was your favorite TV program? the office, america's next top model, jimmy kimmell live
22. Do you know anyone now that you didn't this time last year? many. last year i was a bit antisocial, but i broke out of my shell this year.
23. What was the best book you read? the book of mormon
24. What was your greatest musical discovery? owen
25. What did you want and get? feeling comfortable in my own skin
26. What did you want and not get? a new mountain bike
27. What was your favorite film of this year? 500 days of summer hands down, then where the wild things are at a close second.
28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? oh man. best birthday of my life. i turned 21, was in virginia with blake. he took me ice skating, surprised me with a unicorn to ride :), then ended with him and his friends jamming out on their guitars. loved it.
29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? being able to save my money.
30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? a classy hippie
31. What kept you sane? heavenly father
32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?i fancied adrien brody quite a lot
33. What political issue stirred you the most?the global warming hoax
34. Who did you miss?blake strebel, and all my friends on missions that are coming back shortly!!!
35. Who was the best new person you met? this is easy, blake h. thomas
36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009: how important family is. and how stupid grudges are.
37. song lyrics that sum up the year:
i can't really do this one, cause there are so many.
but this is a song i have been obsessed with

I hear the drums echoing tonight
But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation
She's coming in 12:30 flight
The moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation
I stopped an old man along the way,
Hoping to find some old forgotten words or ancient melodies
He turned to me as if to say,
Hurry boy, It's waiting there for you

It's gonna take a lot to take me away from you
There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
I bless the rains down in Africa
Gonna take some time to do the things we never have

The wild dogs cry out in the night
As they grow restless longing for some solitary company
I know that I must do what's right
As sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti
I seek to cure what's deep inside,
frightened of this thing that I've become

Hurry boy, she's waiting there for you
It's gonna take a lot to take me away from you
There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
I bless the rains down in Africa,
I bless the rains down in Africa
I bless the rains down in Africa,
I bless the rains down in Africa
I bless the rains down in Africa
Gonna take some time to do the things we never have

that kiss in your driveway, we were more than just friends

i have become a little bit of an insomniac as of late. it's strange because i was always a nine-hours-a-night-plus-a-two-hour-nap-girl, that is the only way i could function. but now i seem to be fine with 5 hours of sleep a night. my dad says it will catch up to me. i guess we will see.
life has been absolutely wonderful. i feel like i have been extremely blessed. my dad made the comment to me today that someone must be watching out for me. you see, about two weeks ago i had a bit of an.... errrr... accident. i was driving after it had been snowing all day and my car started sliding down a hill and i ran my car into the temple fence. luckily i wasn't hurt, and no serious damage was done to my car (which is a blessing cause i have no money to pay for repairs). today i went to get my tires checked out though and they said one tire had a screw in it and had hardly any air, and another got pinched and was so worn out that it was going to have a blow out very soon. we were lucky to catch it. and i had a warranty on the tires.... so i got them for free. someone is definitely watching out for me.

tonight was my birthday party with just my family since i was in virginia on my real birthday. we went to the tavernacle in downtown slc. the tavernacle is a piano bar, i had heard a lot about it from my friends and just wanted to go somewhere where they would check my i.d., it was a blast. i requested some lady gaga for kicks and they rocked it on the piano. i loved being there with my family. it was so nice to have fun together and relax. it seems like we haven't had moments like that for a very long time. even though everyone around us was completely drunk, my dad and i had a good time making fun of them while we sipped our soda.

so as i mentioned before, i went to virginia for a week. i stayed three days with my friend jessie's family and three days with blake and his mom. it was such a great trip, something that was so needed after a rough week of finals. blake gave me the best birthday in existence and showed me around nelson county. it was so sweet to meet his mom and hang out with her. she is such a sweet lady and so much fun! nelson county was amazing. there was just such a peaceful feeling all the time, maybe it was just because i was on a vacation, but it was so refreshing to look out a window and only see trees, or only have one traffic light in the entire county. life just seems a lot more slower paced and more enjoyable.

so for the break i am going to just try to stay super busy and productive. i got a job in park city at a shop called prospect. i will be working my but off trying to get into shape. hopefully hanging out with loads of people. i just need to stay busy.
sorry this is all over the place. i think will try to go to sleep now.

thank you very much

this week i have been thinking about all the blessings in my life that i am so thankful for. there are so many that i don't want to list all of them and bore you... but here are the top ones that are most important to me.

my parents
i am so thankful for my parents and all that they have taught me. my father taught me the importance of hard work to reach your goals. he always taught me to never give up when life is tough. he taught me the importance of being healthy and active. my mother taught me unconditional love for others and she is such a great example to me of someone who is selfless. through her example and her life story she has taught me to be thankful for the life that i have.








my brother (seen here in the middle)-
Tim is such a great guy with a sweet heart. though he is 7 years older than me he would always play with me when i was younger. i love his adventurous spirit and attitude. he has always worked so hard in school so that he could become the successful man he is today. i wish i had more of that drive in school.




Spring Break 2009-
this trip to oaxaca, mexico quite literally changed my life. it was quite a random trip but i felt like i was really supposed to go. and i did and it changed everything. the ruins pictured below are what sparked my curiosity in reading the Book of Mormon.


Blake Hunter Thomas (pictured center)-
one of the greatest people i have ever had the pleasure of meeting. he is so strong in so many ways and is always such a great example to me of how it is possible to live righteously and still have fun. :) he makes me smile and laugh, cooks me dinner, rubs my feet, helps me study, tells me i am pretty, listens to me rant, plays the guitar for me, dances in the kitchen with me and so much more. in conclusion, he is great and i am blessed.





my job-
how many people can say they get paid to hike and have this as their office? not many. i am so thankful to have had a job that i would look forward to going to everyday, with people that i loved so much.

music-

though i am probably the least musical person on earth, i feel i can appreciate it greatly. music makes me happy. i know i am happy because i cant stop singing. it calms me like nothing else can. there is nothing that can lift my spirits like a good show from this bearded fellow below.

ponies and kittens-

they make me smile.

running-

running has been something that has greatly blessed my life. it has taught me so much about myself and about what i am made of. it has helped me to know i can do anything i set my mind to if i just have patience and determination. it has opened so many doors for me that i never would have had otherwise. it has allowed me to go to college, travel, have a social life, and feel a great sense of accomplishment. i am so thankful for a team that works hard. it is such a great feeling to work together with these group of girls and win together.

my friends-

i have so many wonderful friends in my life. they have taught me to be myself and have fun. they have gotten me through some pretty rough times. i am so grateful to those friends that helped me to grow to love the church and continue to do so. they are such great examples to me. each of them for different reasons. caroline and lexie are two of the funnest girls i have ever met. there is never a dull moment with them and i always feel like i can be completely myself around them.

the boys: heath, logan, and steve, who have always been like big brothers to me. i always feel very protected when i am with them. their door is always open to me and i know if i called any of them for anything they would help me out right away. they sat in every missionary discussion and answered all my questions that i felt too embarrassed to ask the missionaries. Logan is the wise one that is solid as a rock. heath is my scripture study buddy, and even though he is in texas now, he is still one of my very best friends. steve cracks me up and has great appreciation for good fashion, which everyone knows.... i LOVE!

there are so many great people in my life that have helped shape me into the person i am today. and though i have lost touch with many of them, i still think about them and the memories we have very fondly.

and last but not least,

the thing i am most grateful for that has allowed me to have all these wonderful things in my life is the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am so thankful for the testimony that i have. i am thankful that i can have the holy ghost with me all the time helping to lead me in the right direction, because i really need it (sometimes life just gets too crazy). i am thankful for the atonement and how it lifts my burdens, and the Book of Mormon and the peaceful feeling i get when i read it.

life is so wonderful. i am in love with it.

you don't mean anything to anyone but me

i wish i could write something extremely witty, intelligent and funny right now, but i think my brain cells are pretty much dead. i have finally gotten in the groove of studying every free moment i have and pretty much letting that be my life.
i have been in a pretty annoyed mood lately but i think that has come to a pass now. i just was getting so frustrated with things and needed to take a step back to look at the eternal perspective.

it helps so much.

for one of my classes this guy came and talked about financial stuff. like credit card debt, investing, and a lot of really big words. i am going to be honest and say that it scared me a lot. it scares me to think that i am going to have to start thinking about that soon. and about trying to survive out there in the real world. i don't ever want to have the kind of job where i work 8-5, come home tired, wake up and do it again. i don't want a job where i don't feel like i am making a difference and making the world a better place. and it scares me to think that is what i am going to end up with.

i am grateful for so much right now:

all of my amazing friends- i know i love you all way more than you love me. but i am so grateful you are in my life.

priesthood blessings- this is helping me get throught the next two weeks on a possible stress fracture in my tibia.

blake-who-is-the-best-cuddler-and-writes-songs-for-me-on-the-guitar- :)

mormonbachelorpad.blogspot.com- hil-freaking-arious. i am addicted. these guys are awesome, one went to my high school, but since they use fake names i don't know who it is. it is killing me. i love their honesty and all the juicy, juicy drama!

spoon me- love this place. i crave it everyday. and i love eating it because i don't feel guilty after! huzzah!

running-though it sometimes is the cause of a lot of stress, nothing beats the feeling of being faster than someone.

it's so many miles and so long since i've met you

sometimes i wish i was still little 5-year-old kim still. i didn't have much to worry about other than whether or not buttercup was going to join her friends in ponyland. didn't have to make big decisions. didn't have to think farther ahead than my next playdate. i am at the point in my life now where i am supposed to be making some pretty big life changing decisions. the key word here is "supposed," but every time i think about making one i just get so sick to my stomach and prolong it as much as possible. this isn't helping me at all.

"YOU have to be the one to make the decision. i can't do it for you." sometimes i feel like i talk about all the decisions i need to be making so much. i just talk them over with anyone who will listen in hopes that maybe i can get their opinion and the decision can be theirs and not mine. i think this is why my dad doesn't call as much. maybe it is his way of trying to get me to be decisive.

i think this is where prayer should come in.

it is like when i am out to dinner with a group of friends or the team and i have to ask every single person at the table what they are ordering before i can decide what to get for myself.

i just wish i was more capable of thinking for myself. i guess if i was the type of person that had those amazing moments where they "just knew" things then maybe i would be sure of my decisions as well. but i'm not. i have never had that "ah-ha!" moment. i always have to just make a decision based on my gut feeling (whether or not i am comfortable with it) then i have to just warm up and get used to the idea. this process has never led me astray yet. maybe it is just a test of faith. maybe i am supposed to faithfully follow my gut decision and just trust that it will all work out?

i am bitter about growing up at the moment.

hello kitty world

this is probably the greatest thing i have seen in a while, a Hello Kitty Hospital!
I know one day i will have some little kiddies of my own, but that day is very far off. however, when that day comes i can't imagine a better place to be than in the comfort and cuteness of my favorite asian creation. now, some people say this is a little excessive. i say there can never be enough hello kitty in the world!

I am planning on getting my concealed weapons permit this winter break the picture below is the gun i have had my eye on the last couple of years. some say that the hello kitty picture and the pinkness makes it less intimidating. this may be true, but it's fashionable and i'm asian. so it works.

i found this gun online. i think it is more hello-kitty-like, but not as intimidating as the first.

reasons to smile

three helpful cops that broke into my car so i didn't have to pay $60 for a locksmith

lady at the inn on the waterfront of lake michigan that gave us bottles of water when we stopped 45 minutes out on a run

sweater weather

practice going how it should

job at my favorite clothing store for winter break because my brother became friends with the manager at his bible study group

skinny dipping in lake michigan at 11pm

being in lake michigan listening to the song lake michigan

boy who wears scarves that cooks me dinner and lets me be myself

having a passion again for running

chicago pizza. twice.

heath is coming to visit this weekend

i love life

come thou fount of every blessing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1bSlS6OWTs

i am obsessed.

i don't want to be the pearl

don't get me wrong. i am in a happy place.

i know the decision was right.

just sometimes i sit and wonder
what it is i ever meant to you
i have been left to conclusions,
i never meant anything at all.

i was just a hand to hold?
someone who cared?
i laughed at your jokes?
was this all just a game?

i just can't comprehend
how you can stop.
stop caring after everything?

i don't need you to love me
i don't need you to be mine.
i would just like the knowledge
that it wasn't all fake,
that maybe you still care how i am doing,
that you are still my friend.

tell it to the valcano, from what i know you're going down the hole

realizations:

you cannot make someone be there for you. i know that you're probably like "duh, kim" i have said that to myself too. but that still never stopped me from trying.

i am not myself. i am trying to figure it out. i think it may be just the change of coming back to school and everything, but something just feels so off. i can't quite figure it out. i'm not my happy, cheerful self. it bugs me.

the boys i want to like me don't. the boys that i don't want to like me do. i give up.

when a boy calls you "bud" i am pretty sure that is his way of making it completely obvious that he is not remotely interested.

i think it is sometimes necessary to go through a "friend detox." there have been some people in my life lately that seem to think a friend's sole responsibility is to take on their problems, feel sorry for them, and whine with them. it sure as heck isn't. and i'm sick of feeling pulled down by all of it. i want to say that i am through with all of it! but in reality i'm a sucker and just feel bad for people when they complain to me. i need to grow a spine.

i love being around people that make me laugh. so so much. i need more laughter in my life.

riding bikes everywhere is cool now. i am glad it wasn't as cool the last 6 years when i had to ride my bike EVERYWHERE. but now that i finally have a car and can actually drive places.... all of my friends think it's cool to ride bikes. good thing i don't care about being cool. ;)

i miss provo. i never thought in a million years i would ever say that. but i do. i miss longboarding down the provo river trail. i miss floating on the LPC (lazy provo current). i miss eating pizza in the hot tub at the raintrizzle. i miss going water ballooning. i miss shows at velour. i miss motorcycle rides and ice cream. mostly i miss my friends. much love.

a million day funeral

right now i am going through ups and downs like a rollercoaster that has lost its brakes. one minute i am completely fine and emotionless, the next minute i can't stop the flood.
probably the best advice i have ever gotten was to "fake it till you make it." and i think over the years i have mastered this. and it works wonders.
it's nice to know that in the end everything in my life will work out. it will all be okay. relying on that thought is what keeps me smiling when i feel unsure.
or as steve's mom said, i'm like the weiner dog that had a body so long that it takes a while for its emotions to get from his head to his tail. so even if it has a sad face on, its tail is still wagging for something happy that happend in the past.
sorry. i think i slaughtered that. it was more effective when she told it. it had a good point though.
sorry this is short. and pointless.
sorry i apologize for things too much.

holla.

i have this overwhelming urge to be sarcastic and make fun of everyone.

therefore, i am going to stop with this post before i get myself into trouble.

memories fade, like looking through a fogged mirror

remember the night we drove with all the windows down, barefoot, radio blasting, singing at the top of our lungs. we had no destination in mind. to us we were already there. we all knew it but tried to not think about how we would never be that way again. you were always my best guyfriends but when you return it won't be the same.

like the time we didn't listen to the severe thunderstorm warning on every television and radio stations. we drove to the lake anyways, passing blown down trees the entire way. that didn't stop us. we ran around the lake screaming at the top of our lungs, the wind blowing the crashing waves up against our feet and our hair in our eyes. we collapsed in a fit of laughter on the dock for reasons i don't think we will ever really know.

it was a little like our last kiss. tears streaming down my face i knew that was it. i don't know if you did. i never thought my lips could find a place more comfortable. looking back now, i don't know how i ever felt like that is where they belonged.

a bit like the times we would skip school to go to the park by your house and fly your kite for hours. or take naps in your basement during 8th period so that we were assured the 9 hours of sleep necessary for growing teenagers.

kind of like the feeling of walking into a crowded place. searching for a familiar smiling face. i don't see them as often anymore.

sometimes i try to think of when it all happened, when did we all grow up and grow apart? we tried to fight it for as long as we could, some lasted longer than others, but in the end i guess the time will come when our priorities become far more important than holding onto the relationships that shaped us into the people we have grown into today.

happy daddy's day!

since today is fathers day i feel it is only appropriate to do a post about my amazing father.
my dad is such an amazing guy. he is truly one of my best friends. our relationship cannot be explained so that another person might be able to understand it. we don't even understand it. he is the person that i am at conflict with the most and also the person that i love the most. see it doesn't really make sense does it? though sometimes i swear he just tries to make my life harder, he knows me better than i even know myself. he was the mother figure in my life growing up and taught me the basics of how to read, how to tie my shoes and how to ride a bike. the most important thing i think he ever taught me was to not give up on anything that i do and that to be the best at something means working harder than everyone else. those principles have changed my life and have shaped me into the girl i am today. he would never really help me out all that much growing up and as strange as it sounds, i am so thankful for that. i remember we would go dirt biking and would get to a really big, scary hill and i would just sit at the bottom on my motorcycle and bawl my eyes out cause i was so scared to go up it, i just wanted him to do it for me. but he never would. he would just sit there at the top of the hill encouraging me as i got up the courage to try it. and if i crashed he would help me bring the bike to the bottom of the hill again so i could try to make it to the top yet again. even now.... this is just a small example but i was changing the oil the other day in my car and i couldn't get the nut loosened to get the oil out. i was having such a hard time and was so frustrated cause i felt like i wasn't strong enough to get it loosened myself, i kept telling him i couldn't do it and i needed him to do it, but he kept insisting that i keep trying. well, it took me longer than it should have, but finally i got it off.
i wish i had spent less time worrying about my dad embarrassing me and more time goofing off with my dad. he has taught me so much about love and relationships. he taught me that it is okay to cry when you are sad and express your emotions when you have them. not many people know this, but i am so horrible at matching clothes so i take my dad shopping with me and he helps me pick out my clothes!
my dad really is my best friend and i wish i could say we got a long 100% of the time, but we don't. that doesn't mean i love him any less and i know he would say the same about me. he has always been there for me when i needed him, even when we haven't been on the best terms, i know i can count on him if i really need him.
i love my daddy.

and miraculously swine flew!

well hello there. you are probably going to get sick of the amount of posts i will be doing the next few days. you see, i have not much else to do while i lay in bed quarantined for a while. why am i quarantined you may ask? well, i have swine flu. yes that is correct. SWINE FLU! you probably think i am joking, but i most certainly am not. heck, i sometimes think i am joking when i say it out loud. it does sound completely absurd. maybe this is what i get for laughing about it so much. i keep telling people that swine flu really isn't as bad as the media is making it out to be, and that they are making such a big deal about it to draw attention away from the stupid crap that president obama is doing to this country! and i am going to stick by that theory. because after having contracted H1N1 Influenza (more commonly known as swine flu) i am here to tell you that i am not going to die. you would think with the hype that the media has put into it that anyone who contracts it will face serious symptoms. not true. i know it is different for everyone and that some people get more sick than others, but it honestly doesn't feel any different than your average fever/chest pain/ headache. it only lasts a week (which isn't TOO bad, kinda annoyed that it is cutting into my summer play, but whatevs). but it's funny cause i am under the impression that people think i should be hospitalized right now. just goes to show how reliable the media is. psh. *coughliberalmediacough*

i was your silver lining but now i'm gold

i am moving into a quaint little house in downtown provo with my friend bird on tuesday. i am so excited to finally get settled into the summer routines. everyone keeps warning me not to let provo eat me alive. it won't. i don't think i'm the kind of person that would let it. i will be in a cute white abode with a great roomie in a neighborhood that is close enough to velour that i can walk to see drew danbury play. how can it get any better than that? oh, i know. add some green otterpops, jones soda, cafe rio and bike rides and we have the recipe for a perfect summer.

it is just astounding to me to look back on all the blessings that have happened in my life in the last few months. the great friends by my side, a family that is starting to come closer together piece by piece, a great job, legs that work. don't get me wrong, i have my down times, but they are just have just been getting few and far between lately. and normally when those occur i can trace them back to a stupid decision i have made.

summer seems to be the season for marriage. so many people that are close to me are tying the knot this summer and it's so neat to see the excitement in their faces as the days draw near. it makes me excited to feel that way too someday. someday.

the summer of two thousand and nine will be the summer of:
rodeos,
learning to love cooking again,
saving money for the future,
biking adventures,
using my $200 long board i bought two years ago,
learning Vietnamese perhaps?,
raspberries and cream snowcones,
rekindling friendships,
seeing logan-boy-who-makes-me-smile,
chaco tan lines,
stomping around in my cowboy boots,
bringing my family closer together,
running because i love it,
green, then pink, then red, then purple, then orange otterpops (in that order),
floating down the provo,
hiking timp mountain,
optimism,
pushing myself to be better,
listening to obscure music,
going to shows that make me smile for a week,
walking barefoot.



i love life. and i love that i don't have to be in a super excited mood to love it. i have begun to be content with finding joy in the little amazing things about life. i love it. and i am so excited for the things that are going to happen this summer. i feel like it's going to be the best yet.

once i wanted to be the greatest, no wind nor waterfall could stall me, and then came the rush of the flood, the stars at night turned deep to dust.

one of my biggest fears is turning into a judgemental, self-righteous person and it has been on my mind a lot lately. i try really hard to catch myself thinking those thoughts before i express them verbally. in the past couple of weeks i have a had some really good talks about this with people i really look up to. i've come to a realization that i hope i can keep with me for the rest of my life. i have realized that no matter how rude, or strange someone is we are all trying the best we can. i know i am trying the best i can to do what is right. and what is right for me may not be right for other people. i think we are all trying to figure this out and each has a different way of approaching it. it is easy to look at other people's mistakes and judge them harshly when in reality i should be more focused on my own mistakes and faults. it is stupid of me to think i am any better when i know i have just as many faults.
i was talking to gale reed (the guy that baptized me) the other day on the phone and he taught me a very important lesson about unconditional love for everyone. he is my hero and i strive to more like him. just being able to look at everyone and see that they are all trying the best that they can do and loving them for that seems like a wonderful thing to me.
i work with so many great people. the long hours we have working on trails allows us all to get to know one another better than most people get to know them. it's funny to look back on our first impressions of each other and laugh about how wrong most of us were. we are all going to have first impressions of people but i think it is important to not let them stop us from getting to know the person.
that's all really. i just have realized that loving everyone can be such a great thing.

put me under the microscope doctor, i wanna see my brain

i worry far too much about the future but right now all i can see is the potential of everything coming crashing down around me and i dont know what to do but write blogs at 2 in the am and spend inordinate amounts of time cleaning the kitchen and preparing food for tomorrow and doing other people's dishes which is something that i would not normally do however in this state of anxiety and frustration i have to find things to occupy my mind and it might as well be something that helps others too i haven't felt this way in such a long time and i keep telling myself that it is because i havent ran since saturday or because i stayed up until 3 last night talking with elyse (lack of sleep and lack of running tends to be horrible on my mood)
it scares me that the past has a way of creeping its way back into your life when you least expect it and when it is most inconvenient
it drives me crazy to know that something i want very badly is just out of reach for now because i cant seem to let myself open up
i seem to have lost that piece of me and i really am in a rush to find it
how would it be to feel like i could be completely honest and open with anyone at anytime? i want that again especially with the people that i really care about that i want to get to know the real kimberly
so i will stay up tonight doing random things to pass the time away so that hopefully i will get tired enough that i won't be able to deny myself from sleeping

i tried to be cool, but your so hot that i melted

i am so content right now. i don't want anything to change. i am so content with not working and spending my time freely. so content with seeing loganboy everyday and not questioning what is going to happen this summer. i have grown content with no-schoolness, not cooking and doing laundry only when i run out of underwear. i am very content right now with going to bed knowing that i can sleep in and not have to wake up to an alarm clock.

i wish i could stay in this idle state for a while. but i know it is all going to change soon. this summer is going to get me out of my comfort zone. i will be living in a new place (alone for the first part), working a rough (but fun) job, running my butt off, and i will be trying to apply new things to my life. i can do this. i know i can. these are the things that make me who i am. it is these times that allow me to prove to myself that i am made of more than some people seem to think i am.

the start of something

things i love. (inspired by people that are more positive than me)

my name is kimberly tu quinn, kimmie, kimmiecat, kimster, kimmie poo, kimmie co., kimalinalin, kimbo.
i am in love with wearing sandals. mostly because then my feet don't stink as much.
i love the trees in the spring/summertime. okay. i love trees all the time.
i love people who appreciate the beauty and majestic-ness of unicorns as much as i do.
i love elyse's kaleidoscope and how i spent an hour looking into it today.
i love that people think it's so funny to tickle me. because i laugh really hard. what they don't know is i love to laugh. therefore getting tickled isn't all that bad.
i love that i will be sleeping on a couch for 3 weeks
i love knowing that i am going in the right direction
i love making summer plans even though i know half of them will fall through
i love friends that make time go by way too fast.
i love being able to call a friend after two years and have it seem like nothing has changed.
i love the thought of not having to grow up for at least 3 more years
i love how it is skirt-otterpop-tree-climbing weather now!
i love being with loganboy and how he makes me smile like no one else can.
i love drew danburry shows/songs and how they make me feel less tense about life.
i love musically talented people, probably because i am musically and artistically challenged and i just greatly appreciate their abilities.
i love the feelings i still get when i look at pictures from mexico. and realizing now, that it was a life changing week.
i love life so much. and i love that i have surrounded myself with people who feel the same way.
i love bonfires and how they make everything you wear smell like campfire.
i love that i am a fan of hand holding, kissing, cuddling, sarcasm, smiling, rain, eating, sleeping, and hugging. but i don't feel a need to prove it by joining a group on facebook.
i love putting raspberry jam on pancakes because i feel like maple syrup can be too overwhelming.
i love making musical mixes and sharing them with people i care about.
i love songs that make me feel nostalgic.
i love hearing jeff play/sing sometime around midnight on his guitar and i love how i now think of him as a great friend of mine.
i love seeing my friends striving to be better. it makes me want to be better too.

blakey poo.

a very close friend of mine passed away last thursday night. i can't even believe this is real. we had planned on having him come up to logan for a visit, but every time he called me to plan a day something came up and i was always too busy. i am kicking myself right now.
i just can't even believe it.
he was such a great guy, i have never in my life heard one bad thing said about him. he always had an infectious smile on his face.
he helped pick up the pieces after the break up 4 months ago. he would sit and listen to me talk about trivial things in my life. but he was just that kind of person. he knew when someone needed a friend and he was there. i am so thankful for that.
the only thing that gives me comfort is knowing that i will see him again. i wonder how i would have felt had this happened two months ago to me. it is still painful, but i know now that i will see him again.

blake, you were such an awesome guy. you always put a smile on my face and you always listened. i am sorry that we never got a chance to paint the town of logan red, and i am sorry i never brought you cookies like i promised. you taught me not to sweat the small stuff and that even when we have trials in our lives you can still go through them with a smile on your face. i miss hearing you whisper funny comments in my ear during boberg's long lectures. i miss having you be the mediator in political science between the debaters and the non-debaters. you were great. there is no doubt about that. i will never forget you and i can't wait to see you again.

decision to decisions are made and not bought

so many exciting things are happening very quickly right now. if it all didn't feel so right i would say it's happening to fast. but it's not. it is amazing what just having an open mind and an open heart can do for you. i have experienced things i never would have thought possible. it's life changing and i'm excited.

she's an angel with a cigarette

i'm feeling a bit off today and i hate it. the last couple of weeks i have been feeling so fantastic about life. today was such a good day, there were so many good things that happened. but for some reason i am feeling really off. i didn't feel like my normal bubbly self. i really think it is because i did not sleep a wink last night. i just need to stop worrying about things and go with the flow. then i can sleep.

too much

i don't even know what is going on
i think my mind plays tricks on me
i have to convince myself that the smile and the wink
you directed towards me
were merely a hallucination.
it was.
it has to be.
i can't get excited,
that's how i end up hurt.
he's just a nice boy
he does that to everyone
it doesn't mean anything.....
those sweet messages you send....
he's just being a good friend.

but it does. and it's scary.
i want you to know me
but the more you know
the more of myself i give to you.
the more you can hurt me.

it scares me.
and i want it all to mean something
more than you can know.
i used to wear my heart on my sleeve,
but i just can't anymore.
he ruined that for me.

every word, every look,
it means a lot to me.
don't mess with me, i'm begging you.
it's just too much to take.

you never see me, and you don't know my face

oh hey.
so things are looking so much better. i've finally started sleeping again without the help of pills, so hopefully that will make my nasty illness go away. running is going well, we are headed to seattle next weekend and i am super stoked to pound some people into the ground. and i am also excited to be in the city that grey's anatomy takes place in. :)

this week has been great and i am just trying to find happiness in the littlest things. like movie night with the girls, playing pranks on our trainer, and drinking inordinate amounts of diet coke (no calories!!). i honestly have not been paying any attention to school lately and it will catch up with me soon. but for now i am having fun. and i think i need that right now. my room is a complete mess. but that's okay, i have no reason to clean it anymore, no one sees it and i am rarely ever home. i like it that way.
i don't know what the point of this blog is, but i just wanted all of you to know that i am doing okay.
i think a lot of people are thinking that the reason i have been having such a rough time is because of the breakup. don't get me wrong, that was very hard and disapointing, but that was just a small piece of the things that have been going on. i was very sad to see it end, but it was honestly for the best.
i am so thankful for running. it has brought so much structure to my life. i think there would have been days that i would not have gotten out of bed if it had not been for my need to run. my teammate ali taylor has been one of the greatest people in my life this past month. she has pushed me in every workout, has sat and cried with me before practice, and after practice, talked me through many sleepless nights, she has supported and has been participating in my plan to get a 6-pack, she has introduced me to so many new friends.....she has just been there for me in every way possible. so many of my friends have and i am so very thankful to you all. I have been having such a blast with caroline, lexie, and ali. they have reintroduced me to living and having fun again.

i have been listening to very different music, elyse can tell you. she has to put up with it. i have been drinking so much diet coke, i think it's because the people i hang out with every night have one in their hands at all times, so i have developed the same habit. there is also someone that has recently come into my life that just makes me smile so much. just seeing this person makes my day so much better. i am giving up on ice cream. okay, not entirely, but my 6-pack plan requires a significant decrease in ice cream consumption. this makes me sad. :(
haha.
okay i know this blog was super random and all over the place, but that's just how i am!

i'm not even going to bother.

sometimes life can be so messed up. i can't figure it out anymore. it seems like now the only way i can keep my head above water is to lie to myself. i have to lie to myself about the things that are happening. and pretend like things are okay. but they definitely are not.
the last month has been the hardest month of my entire life. and through all the things that keep on happening i am trying to find a reason for it all, trying to find some sort of lesson that i can pull out of all the rubble that keeps on coming crumbling down.
it's hard to think that you can rely on people in your life then realize you cannot.

i've been trying to be good and keep my complaining and whining about life to a minimum. but you know what? sometimes it just reaches a point where you just can't anymore. i can't keep telling myself that things can't get any worse, because just when i think that.... it sure as hell does.

promises

If I knew what it could do

I would have never opened my eyes

And let the darkness in

You never let me compromise

In this game I can't win

How long will it take

For me to break free

How long will it take

For me to forget

What happened to your promises

I'd never be alone

I'd never be forgotten

What happened to those promises?

Did you forget?

so this is 2009

all things considered i think 2009 is going to be a great year. i think i will grow this year more than i have any other year. right now i am the weakest i have ever been in my life, but just like muscles... you break them down enough and they will come back stronger. so that is my hope.

to all my friends. i love you. i don't know what i would do without you. you mean so much to me i can't thank you enough for the things you do for me.

i have decided to deactivate my facebook account. i don't know if this is permanent, but i think this is a good step for me. i need to start living in reality where i get to know people from how they act and treat people and not what they post on facebook.