Wednesday, May 20, 2009

put me under the microscope doctor, i wanna see my brain

i worry far too much about the future but right now all i can see is the potential of everything coming crashing down around me and i dont know what to do but write blogs at 2 in the am and spend inordinate amounts of time cleaning the kitchen and preparing food for tomorrow and doing other people's dishes which is something that i would not normally do however in this state of anxiety and frustration i have to find things to occupy my mind and it might as well be something that helps others too i haven't felt this way in such a long time and i keep telling myself that it is because i havent ran since saturday or because i stayed up until 3 last night talking with elyse (lack of sleep and lack of running tends to be horrible on my mood)
it scares me that the past has a way of creeping its way back into your life when you least expect it and when it is most inconvenient
it drives me crazy to know that something i want very badly is just out of reach for now because i cant seem to let myself open up
i seem to have lost that piece of me and i really am in a rush to find it
how would it be to feel like i could be completely honest and open with anyone at anytime? i want that again especially with the people that i really care about that i want to get to know the real kimberly
so i will stay up tonight doing random things to pass the time away so that hopefully i will get tired enough that i won't be able to deny myself from sleeping

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

i tried to be cool, but your so hot that i melted

i am so content right now. i don't want anything to change. i am so content with not working and spending my time freely. so content with seeing loganboy everyday and not questioning what is going to happen this summer. i have grown content with no-schoolness, not cooking and doing laundry only when i run out of underwear. i am very content right now with going to bed knowing that i can sleep in and not have to wake up to an alarm clock.

i wish i could stay in this idle state for a while. but i know it is all going to change soon. this summer is going to get me out of my comfort zone. i will be living in a new place (alone for the first part), working a rough (but fun) job, running my butt off, and i will be trying to apply new things to my life. i can do this. i know i can. these are the things that make me who i am. it is these times that allow me to prove to myself that i am made of more than some people seem to think i am.