Friday, December 28, 2007

hey now now we're going down down

So much has happened this past week and a half, so much…. But it has been so good. I am really happy and thankful to have him in my life. I am normally a dramatic person…. Drama seems to follow me everywhere I go, but this time there is no drama…. Everything just feels right. It’s just so good. These next five days will be torture.

Okay, I need to write about him a bit more to get it out of my system so that future blogs won’t be cheesy.

I like him. A lot. And it’s funny because I didn’t think he knew of my existence in high school and he thought I didn’t know about his, when in reality both of us were perfectly aware of the other. He remembers that time he said hi to me in the lunch room junior year when I was sitting alone. I remember that he was gone during most of election week in American Problems senior year. We both remember that time he tried to strike up a conversation about Wes Anderson films… and I shut him down quickly…. Not because I didn’t want to talk to him, but because I didn’t know what to say.

I remember staring at him across the lunchroom and wanting to ask him why? Why Jessie Keefe?

But now that is all behind us. And we are right where we are supposed to be at the moment. I like him and my dad likes him, and that means a lot to me.

Okay. Part two of this blog.

I feel a need to make people happy. It makes me so sad when I can’t. I ran into an old high school friend at the gym the other day and I asked him how everything was going for him…… things were going horribly for him. His girlfriend broke up with him, he lost his scholarship, he hated college choice, he has no money, he had a crappy job, and had just gotten over the flu. I was surprised that he just poured out everything to me. So I just gave him a hug. I wish there was a universal thing to say or do that would automatically cheer someone up. It would make things so much easier. I also talked to one of my really good guyfriends the other day and things are going pretty rough for him as well. He broke down in front of me and it tore my heart into pieces. I wish there was a way to bottle up pain and give it to someone else, because I would have taken his pain and made it my own if I could. I just don’t know what to do in those situations. I want to help so bad.

Okay, back to him. I am dating him. He is my boyfriend. This is going to be really hard for me to be honest, because I am the most boy crazy girl you will ever meet. I also think I have a severe case of A.D.D. which is not a good combo. It will be hard to be up there and have him down here and not look at other boys. I’m just being honest. But I am going to put everything I can into this. Cause I like it and I want it to last for quite some time.

I love Glenn Beck. See what I mean? A.D.D.! but really though. He is such a smart man, with so many good points. My dad bought me his book and got it autographed for me. That’s probably one of the best birthday presents I could have received. The part that hit me the most in the book was how he talked about college and how most professors are hardcore liberals and have a very liberal bias when they teach…. Sometimes I feel stupid that I disagree with the class and my friends, but now I know that it is good. I’m not just going along with what other people think anymore. College has taught me to question the things people say and find out my views for myself. Some people like to put down my political beliefs, but when I turn it around on them, they can’t seem to give me definite opinions on what they believe, they just KNOW I’m wrong and they are right because their parents, professors, or friend says so. It drives me crazy when people put down my opinions and they have no idea what the hell they are talking about.

Glenn Beck = coolest man ever.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

hey jealousy.

My cat is a weirdo. She thinks she is a dog. It’s quite entertaining. I hate writing my blog in a word document first because word automatically capitalizes things and forces my spelling to be correct. For some reason when I capitalize things, it makes me feel snotty. I don’t like word documents. Geh. I hate all these red and green squiggly lines below my words.

This winter break is not going to be anything like I thought.

It’s funny how friends can drift apart….. the friend you thought you would always be friends with you forever, the one you thought you would grow old with and your children would be like siblings…. Yeah, I’ve learned those friendships don’t always last. The next thing you know, you’re running down the side of the street and you smile and wave as she passes by in her truck….. you know she saw you because you made eye contact and she half raises her hand to wave back, but then at the last minute she jerks her hand back down and turns her head away from you. Maybe it’s just guilt from all those constant stabs in the back.

But then there are the friendships that seem to last forever… even though you don’t see them for 10 or so years. The friendships that after multiple moves to different states you still are up to date on their current address, send letters every once and a while and have never forgotten a birthday card. These are the friendships I want more of, especially knowing that most of the guys I have befriended this year be gone for two years very soon.

I’m sorry if I’ve acted annoyed at any of you this week. I feel like I have lost my sense of humor and playfulness lately. Maybe it’s from finals and spending so much time sitting on the third floor of the library. Or maybe from the pressure of getting a job over break, losing 15 pounds, and getting back into shape.

I am really angry right now. I’m really angry at someone I don’t want to be angry with. He has been my best friend since 1st grade and I thought I could trust him. I should have known. He is probably the most dramatic person I know and loves to cause drama where he can, especially if it doesn’t involve him, and especially if it makes him look like the “good friend.” I love this boy with all my heart, he is leaving in one month and I don’t want him to leave with tension between us. So instead of confronting him, I ignored it and gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I’m sorry, I just needed to get that out.

i love you all.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

so what, so i've got a smile on, but it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head.

it's cold, and there is no snow. i don't really understand how that works. it seems like no matter how many layers i put on i am still freezing with my teeth chattering madly. maybe someday i will invest in a coat made to endure the arctic tundra, but for now i still put fashion before function and layer sweatshirts under my thin peacoat.

i have this song constantly on my mind. i bought it yesterday, i'm listening to it on repeat. if i told you what song it is many of you would scoff at me because it's been played on the radio many times. but i like it.

=things that define me=
i am:
the girl with the pink fisher price horn on her mountain bike
the girl with the birdie boots
the girl that wears spandex all the time- even to class
the girl that is a libertarian environmentalist
the girl that rawrs at things/people
the girl that pretends to be a veloci raptor when crossing the street on runs

ahem. enough of that.

thank goodness for good friends that ride my bike next to me in the freaking cold as i run really slowly. thank goodness for friends that carry my backpack and talk to me when i run in the pool for an hour. thank goodness for friends that comment on my blogs and notes even though they usually make no sense at all. thank goodness for friends that steal my laptop and hold it for ransom until after i have studied for finals. thank goodness for friends that feed me ice cream and brownies and tell me i'm cool even though i know i'm not.

mr. light-up-palm-trees-on-the-mountain-side-man, i think it is ridiculous that you put cameras up there. we know you have a lot of money (you must, who else would put 20+ twenty foot palm trees on the side of the mountain), but cameras? geez. it's like your expecting some college students to go hike up there and mess with your trees. i think it's lame, and you're no fun. no fun at all.

i'm excited for my birthday. and for finals to be over. and egg rolls.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

i don't know why, but i feel a need to explain. i shouldn't though.

today is the day that i will find the fiction section of the library. i need to find it.

i hate how people read too deeply into what i say in these thingers. you shouldn't, cause most likely i'm not talking about you..... actually i really probably am, but i don't feel i need to explain myself outside of my blogs cause YOU choose to read it.

most of you know how i feel about religion in general... or rather how i felt about it in high school. i think my views have changed a bit since i've been exposed to more diverse ideas in the past couple months.

i honestly don't care at all what your religious views are... you can be amish, lds, atheist, a satan worshiper..... i love to talk about religion, but i won't judge you because of yours. it hurts really bad when people i care a lot about try to push their religion on me.... it almost feels like i'm not enough for you as i am right now. and you say that i can be truly happy.... but how do you know that i'm not already?

maybe i've been blessed in a way, because i was not born into a specific church. it has been a way for me to determine who my real friends are. my real friends are the ones that love me even though i have not been baptised, they are the ones that love me when i go to church. my true friends are the ones that say "Kim, no matter what you decide we will be behind you 100%." they are the ones that know me and love me for the person i am, not for my religious beliefs.

to be honest, if i am reading the book of mormon...... which i may or may not be..... i probably wouldn't tell anyone.... or at least not many people.... because from one side i would get criticism, and from the other i would get a lot of pressure put on my shoulders. and i don't want either one of those.

i love religion, i think it can bring out the best and worst in people. it is such a powerful thing. but it is also a very personal thing. please don't tell me what you think i should do with my life.... you never know i might already be doing it.

Monday, December 10, 2007

illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

this should be a relatively good week. my finals are all pretty simple, i have 3 birthday parties in a row, and i get to go home! yeah i'm pretty excited.

i'm at the library right now trying to study.... but i just get so distracted sometimes. the library is distracting. like i'll come in and find a nice quiet spot to sit in, but i never stay there for long. i have this obsession of finding the fiction section of the library. i've heard that it doesn't exist, but i think there has to be one. they have to have dickens, orwell, shakespeare, j.d. salinger, etc. i guess i could just ask a librarian, but for some reason i need to find it myself. so instead of studying you can find me wandering around in the library, opening doors, and going down random hallways, trying to find the fiction section.

sleepovers are the best. i've pretty much had one every night for the last week. it's fun. now cassie just leaves her phone charger plugged into my outlet for convenience. neither of us have a roommate so it's nice sometimes to pretend like we do.

this window next to me in the library is so distracting. i can see most of the valley. why do they put windows in libraries? they make it hard to study. gah.

thank god for boys like johnny. seriously though.... after the loads of jerks i've dated this year it's nice to find a guy that doesn't play the games.... that doesn't just look for random hookups.... a guy that can give me good advice because he's been in my shoes before. it gives me hope that there might be someone out there for me like that.

i don't know what my problem is. i'm not getting married until i'm 28 anyways. i can stay away from boys for a couple of years.

i'm weird, i know. people tell me daily.

there's this boy you see. i wish i had text messaging cause "that's how you get together with people."-- says johnny.

i miss high school. and the simplicity of it all. but i feel like my relationships here are deeper and more meaningful.

eye em sew tired. i'm going to bed. sorry this one was boring. better. one. tomorrow.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

last christmas i gave you my heart, the very next day you gave it away, this year to save me from tears i'll give it to someone special.

he's right, i do fall for people too easily.... sometimes it's very emberrassing how fast i fall for someone. i'm sure it sometimes seems that i am desperate.... it's just that when i meet someone amazing i want to be around them as much as i can.... yeah that sounds really desperate. i don't care. i told myself i wouldn't fall that easily anymore.... too late.

i hate dating with a passion. it's awkward and uncomfortable, especially the first date where you feel like you have to say as much about you as you can in a short amount of time so he can decide whether to ask you for a second date or not. i hate it. i want to get to the part where we fall asleep cuddling in front of the tv.

he dresses better than me, smells better, he's much smarter, much older and more mature...... yeah, i doubt very much anything will happen. he was expecting a kiss i'm sure, he seemed a bit disappointed..... but i don't want to be just a fling again...i'm not that girl.. i have to figure out a way to not be flung around anymore.

i hate this.... waiting.... waiting to see if he will call me again to hang out again like he said... or if i will just be pushed aside like all the other boys have done to me. not sure what i'm doing wrong. i took elyse's advice and didn't kiss him. andrew, trevor, preston, derek and j.j. even quized me and we acted out potential scenes that could happen on the date. maybe that's my problem... i over think everything.


right now i am:
jones soda. world village. sleepovers every night. staying up until 4 am two nights in a row. protective boys in room 401. mongolian mission experience. birthday plans. christmas shopping. scarves. nose warmer on my face. oc christmas mix. ice skating when i'm bored. not wanting conflicts. sucking it up and being the bigger person. getting locked out. falling for someone the same age as my high school coach.

Monday, December 3, 2007

all the lights are coming on now, how i wish that it would snow now, i don't feel like going home now, i wish that i could stay

this past weekend was very, very good to me. i finally came out of my hermit hole and socialized with the boys upstairs..... this has brought me so much happiness.

i was so sick of being burned so bad by stupid boys only to have them walk away with me crying in the bathroom, wipeing my tears with toilet paper. so sick of being thought of as an object instead of the person i try desperately to let people see. one, two, three, four, five.... too many boys that i let get to me too easily. all i wanted was to stay in my room eating aggie ice cream, and watch 10 episodes of lost on my computer. i stayed this way for about a month. i wanted to go home so bad. then i found them......

friends. the boys of 401 have given me hope. hope that a long drive in a car doesn't always have to end up being a time to butter me up to get that long awaited kiss. andrew, derek, preston, j.j..... thank you.

i wanted that car ride to last forever. though we didn't get to our original destination (those palm tree lights are hard to get too), where we end up is always better. pina colada slurpees, spice girls blaring in the background (whoever made him that cd is AMAZING). we talked about anything and everything, relationships, running, stupid girls, stupid boys..... we make a good trio. drewie, cassie, and kimmie. we probably would have stayed there forever with the windows fogging up if it hadn't have been for someone's full bladder :(. it's okay though good things must end sometime. there will be more. but in two weeks one of us will leave the trio probably forever. my bet is that he is going to Brazil.

i like us a lot. i like us together a lot. i really wish i had come out of my shell sooner. then maybe we could've had a bit more of us. at leat i have the time in the rain, and now the time in the snow to look back on.

i'll miss you drewie.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

new year!

since i can't post in the fillout cult without being shunned here goes:

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before? went to alabama, learned to enjoy running not just winning, broke up with someone, graduated, went to college

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions? no. only for like two monthe i think. i always have the resolution to floss.

4. Did anyone close to you die? no

5. What countries did you visit? none.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007? be amazing at running, go on more road trips, experience the world more.

7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
last high school race in the medley 800 at state
senior year region track
going to see les mis
prom my senior year with my best guyfriend
first day of college
when i got my stress fracture
senior trip with elyse

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? getting a full-ride+

9. What was your biggest failure? sucking at running, and sucking at boys

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? 3 cases of bronchitis, tonsilitis, and a stress fracture in mah leg.

11. What was the best thing you bought? food

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? mom, dad, elyse, katelyn, amanda, arb.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? every boy

14. Where did most of your money go? clothes and food.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? boys, moving out, ice skating, flying on planes.

16. What songs will always remind you of 2006?new slang - the shins

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:i. happier or sadder? happier, because this day last year was fooltocker west, and i didn't make it and i was more upset than i have ever been in my entire life. i'm still upset, but have had time to deal with it. i think a year is enough time to dwell on it. i should probably let it go.

ii. thinner or fatter? i weigh more, but people say i look skinnier
iii. richer or poorer? richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? living in the now and enjoying where i am when i'm there.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? liking boys

20. Who had the biggest influence on your life in 2006? mom, dad, elyse, matt, arb, maren, alex, anthony

21. What was your favorite TV program? the office, greys anatomy, america's next top model, gossip girl

22. Do you know anyone now that you didn't this time last year? soooo many people, college and being on the team does that i think.

23. What was the best book you read? blessed unrest

24. What was your greatest musical discovery? rogue wave, the arcade fire

25. What did you want and get?two good roommates, a scholarship, varsity spot on the team, my own room

26. What did you want and not get? confidence

27. What was your favorite film of this year? that i watched this year.... love actually, and sense and sesniblity

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? two more weeks till my b-day but i hear we are going to the indian oven for lunch, then im going home and going to sages with my parents and hanging out with them

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? being number one on the team

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006? i don't know. i think it is very me, and that i have my own fashion concept... it's very ... kim

31. What kept you sane? my dad.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? apollo anton ono, he just happens to live by me too :)

33. What political issue stirred you the most?illegal immigration, vouchers

34. Who did you miss? arb, matt, leisl, duncan, sara, dane

35. Who was the best new person you met? my two amazing roommates

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006: my happiness depends upon how I run. if i run bad then i think that means i am a horrible person.... this is so true.... so now i need to learn to sometimes separate runner kim with person kim.

37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Of all the churning random heartsUnder the sun
Eventually fading into night,
These two are opening now
As we lie, I touch you
Under fuller light.
Girl, if you're a seascape
I'm a listing boat, for the thing carries every hope.
I invest in a single lie.
The choice is yours to be loved
Come away from an emptier boat.

Friday, November 30, 2007

i'm your new friend kim.

the main reason for this blog is so that i have a place other than facebook to writes stuff. i have a xanga, but i'm annoyed with it now, so i thought i would try out this one. facebook is stupid sometimes because people read too much into what people say and somehow everyone ends up offended. it's lame.

what's new?

well, i now have a new way of tying my scarf. elyse taught me. instead of the usually just-keep-wrapping-it-around-my-neck-until-i-can't-breathe-way, i do this tricky new double-up-and-loop-it-through-a-hole-thing. it's pretty niffty.

i'm pretty sure i've lost at least five pounds in the last 48 hours. i really don't want to gain it back so i'm seriously considering going on a chicken broth and water diet for the rest of my life. geh. i don't think i could do it. i'd have to add ice cream in there somewhere and i'm pretty sure that would cancel out any weight i lost. oh well. i'd rather be fat and be able to eat ice cream.

my neighbors next door had a new roommate move in. he doesn't speak english. this is what we know about him so far:
1-he is asian. he didn't tell us this, but we can assume because he cooks chicken and leaves it out just like my mommy does.
2- he's like 30. again, we have to assume, because he doesn't speak english.
3- he's really smart. cause he's asian of course.
4-he's from china. aren't all asians?
i find him really cute. he's like a lost puppy. today i watched as he got on the wrong bus. he yelled something in asian and the bus driver opened the door so he could get off. i felt bad for the little guy.

geh. class starts soon. bye.

Thursday, November 29, 2007


well, i've decided to try out this whole blogging thing. i highly doubt anyone will read this, but oh well.

i really have nothing important to say right now. i'm just getting over a fever and should go to bed now.

till later then.