feelings, feelings, feelings, blah, blah, blah.
i wish i could be numb too.
then maybe i wouldn't walk around feeling like i have been punched in the gut every second.

smoking cloves, you're the ghost of midem

i have realized there are many people in my life that try to make me feel like i am not good enough for them: not a good enough daughter, not a good enough friend, not a good enough girlfriend, not a good enough runner, not a good enough student, etc.
i am sick of feeling sorry for myself because others won't give me the validation that i seek so badly. i just want to feel like i am good enough for someone or something, but i don't yet. this is going to sound cheesy, but i think i have realized the important thing is to feel like i am good enough for myself, good enough that i can just be happy and proud of the way i am.
sometimes i think that people purposefully try to make me feel like i am not good enough for them so i feel thankful for them or something.
for example: some coaches i dealt with after high school would try to make it sound like it should be an honor for me to run for them. they would tell me all the other really fast runners that were looking at them too and they would try to play stupid mind games like that cause they thought it would make them seem prestigious and i would want to be a part of that. i didn't.
people in my life try to play those same games and it drives me nuts. it leaves me feeling hurt that i will never live up to what they want from me.
but i'm starting to not care anymore. i'm just gonna be the best daughter/friend/girlfriend/runner/student in the way that i know how.

things are getting better. i have finally realized the only way i can get out of this funk is to force myself to be happy. instead of crying when things are rough i put a smile on. my friend said that emotions follow facial expressions, so i figure if i put a smile on i will be cheerful a few minutes later. sometimes it's really awkward, especially when i am driving alone and i have a big cheesy grin on my face.

tonight i went to my first rodeo with megan, lacey, and lauren. it was awesome. i had no idea what i had been missing out on. i think i am going to see how many rodeos i can fit into my summer. first i need to purchase cowboy boots, a hat, and a big belt buckle! i'm excited :). it was really nice to just hang with the girls and be crazy. i feel like i haven't done that in forever.

another awesome thing that happened today was i got officially chainsaw certified!!! i cut down two dead trees, and limbed and bucked a couple of HUGE trees. i was extremely nervous cause i'm scared of cutting off my legs, but finally i feel more comfortable with the saw. nothing beats inhaling sawdust, sweat dripping down your face, bugs biting every exposed part of skin, and carrying a heavy chainsaw. i love my job so much. i really surprised myself, i didn't think i would be strong enough to use the chainsaw, but i built up the muscle and i can saw down any tree!!!

i'm being way more dedicated with my running now, and it is making me so happy. i don't know if it is the endorphins or just the feeling of accomplishment, but it is making me feel so much better about things.

i just need to make sure that i don't slip back into the funk. i hate it and it was no good for me at all. things are definitely all where i want them to be at the moment, but i am just trying to work at the things i can control, so that hopefully the things i can't control will go in my favor.