things really aren't okay.

i just want to know what more there is to take?
you have my heart in your hands
but now it is only held together by tiny threads.
i'm sick of justifying your actions (or inactions) to others and myself
your holding on to the thought of her still
and you've built this wall between us.
i wish you would try harder to hang onto me
but i know you won't
i keep lying to myself
the same way you do to me
i feel pathetic and i know everyone around me thinks it
wondering why i am putting myself through this
i still hang onto that little bit of hope
that maybe you still care
i tell myself that you're just
busy/stressed/tired/working hard/any other reason that satisfies my mind
it never fully does
i know you won't read this, because i know you don't care
i know it, i've gotten used to it.
this is probably all my fault
i think i gave you too much of myself
i let you in too far
made myself too vulnerable
i feel like i put so many things aside in my life for you
you know what hurts the most?
every. single. day. i look forward to hearing your voice
or the next time i will see your face
i get so excited to talk to you
you still give me butterflies!
but i can hear it in your voice
and see it in your actions
that you really don't care anymore.
but you know what?
i most likely will not do anything about it
cause i'm insecure like that.
just keep telling me it's okay
and i'll keep pretending that i believe you.

life is a dream

When I wake up I still feel like I'm dreaming

I'm tired of people and what they believe in

So I'm going to change and pretend it's not real

Everything I see,taste,hear and feel

Now I'm not afraid of the voice in my head

Who speaks to me when I lie in bed

I'm going to live each day to the fullest

And not give a damn about who's "the coolest"

This time I will stand up for me

No one can tell me who I should be

And no one can tell me what I should do

I'll figure it out if I want to

It doesn't matter if I'm dead tomorrow

Please don't grieve and live in sorrow

Life is a dream

And our dreams are our lives

So I'll live my life without a troubled mind

i shot a man in reno, just to watch him die

i just got back from a cross country meet in bozeman, montana. It was such a blast. i had a really good feeling all weekend that it was going to be a great race, and it was. not anything like i had expected but it all turned out great.
we got to drive through yellowstone national park and see all the beautiful sights, wildlife, and geysers! it was awesome. i just ate it all up. i was caught off guard when i was waiting for beehive geyser to go off and i heard someone say "this is just so amazing, how can anyone look at this and not know that it was created by god?" i wanted to start explaining to them exactly how it was created without a god. but i didn't think my teammates would appreciate that very much. nor my coach who is a bishop.

it was absolutely wonderful. the course was on a golf course (which was scary because they were still letting people play golf!) and had a hilly first mile then miles 2 and 3 were relatively flat with rolling hills the last 200 meters to the finish. so my race plan that i had discussed with my coach was to go out medium/hard on the first mile, not killing myself on the hills, then pass five girls each mile after that. soooooo we started the race and my teammate kicked the back of my shoe!!! and i was wearing it like a slipper trying to keep it on up and down the hills. i was kind of freaking out because i didn't know if i would get disqualified without a shoe. so after about a mile of this i kicked off my shoe and ran the rest of the race with one shoe! it was intense and it hurt when i had to run down a gravel road. but my race ended up being the best race of the season so far. i came in 4th on my team which is the highest up i have ever finished on the team. our team got second out of 15 teams, weber state beat us by just a little (grrrr.) even though our top five girls were in before their top five, they still won.
it was such a fun race.

lame.

i miss my kyle scott trammell so much.
this really sucks.

sorry i promise my posts will get more meaningful. but really, missing kyle is all that is on my mind right now.

i just wrote an entire blog and then deleted it.

even though no one will ever read it but me. it's just good to get those feelings out somewhere.

i have dreams of orca whales and owls but i wake up in frear

no matter how hard i try i can't seem to drown out the sound of cars driving past like they have somewhere important to go. all my homework is done for once, it is eleven and i should be sound asleep right now. but i'm not, cause i haven't received that phone call. i am pretty pathetic. it's true. but these little things i look forward to everyday keep me going. i know. pathetic.


i look forward to getting dressed everyday. i have never been an i-wear-sweats-24/7-cause-i'm-cool-like-that kind of athlete. i like getting dressed to impress. i live for discussing quitting school and backpacking through europe with no money over aggie ice cream with my best roommate. talking about how school is not hard enough, and how we prefer boys with facial hair. wanting to read the great american novels, not because we are required to like in high school, but because we are more sophisticated now. i live for plans of a classy cocktail party complete with gloves and big hats and a summer road trip to canada where the drinking age is 18. i live for striking up conversations with strangers because they are wearing chacos. i live for e-friends that i know will make great real life friends if we ever find the time to hang out! i live for hearing my mom worry about what i am eating on the rare occasions that we talk on the phone. i live for being able to call my dad, crying in the engineering building's bathroom, because i saw an animal get tortured in a movie in Living with Wildlife. i live for all the wonderful people in my life that have made me who i am.

i know this is mean.....

can i just say that i LOVE it that the mean/cheerleader type girls that were considered "hot" and "popular" in high school are putting on extra pounds and kinda letting themselves go.
i love it.
i thought i would have to wait until my 10 year reunion to see the change.
i know that is very mean to say. but maybe now they will start to learn how to treat people because they can't get by on good looks anymore.

i am so mean.
i really don't care.
if only you knew.
it makes me so very happy inside.
i am going to hell.