the distance that keeps you from knowing the truth

it's all so hard to explain.

i can sit and try to write it all down to maybe gain some clarity, but even then i still get lost in my own thoughts.
it's all an assortment of things happening to me. the feeling of losing my best friend, knowing it is inevitable, and not being able to do anything about it. fear of moving back in with my dad, just hoping it will be better than the first 18 years. being excited and terrified at the same time about my summer job, not really knowing what to expect, hope i can handle it. going throught the same monotonous day which ends exactly the same, retiring to my room all alone. Feeling so completely and utterly alone 5 days a week. Seeing all the people around me changing so drastically in the last seven months and wondering if i have changed that drastically as well. the overwhelming thoughts that i will never get back to where i was before in running because right now it seems so far away.

can't talk to my judgemental roommates, and i'm not close enough to anyone anymore to be able to burden them with my troubles or actually feel like they would even give a crap. it takes time to explain things. much more time than a five minute phone convorsation can handle. you're the only one that i would expect to care but i don't want to trouble you with my stupid crap when you are trying to have a good time with your friend. i don't want to be the one to drag you down. i don't want you to be sad cause i am. i don't want you to worry.

i. don't. even. know.