are you coming are you going are you leaving are you staying

my future often feels uncertain, i can't really plan ahead too far in advance because with me things seem to change so quickly. last year at this time it was environmental policy, but now i am unsure and leaning towards wildlife sciences. who knows what will happen.

running often seems uncertain. i know what i would like to happen with it, but injuries and setbacks keep preventing me from getting to that place. sometimes it seems like it would be much easier to give it all up. but then i remember that i am not and will never be a quitter.

uncertainty:
enough money for a car
will friendships survive another year
the weather
is the next president going to completely destroy america
africa next summer
keep or change my major
will my legs ever heal


uncertainty eats away at me all the time, it brings about self consciousness, loneliness and so many other scary feelings i don't like to think about.

but then there are the moments of certainty that get me through the bad times.
a soft kiss on the forehead to wake me up in the morning lets me know that i am loved. reassurance in the voice of a friend on the other end of a phone call lets me know she'll always be there.
parents that want me home at 11 pm, though yes it is often rather annoying, i like the security that i always get from them. their crazy rules let me know they care about me.
spending the weekend with his wonderful family lets me know that he is going to be a part of my life for a good while.

the feeling of certainty gives me the sense of control. even there are so many unexpected things that happen in this world, there are a few things i can rely on to be a constant in my life.

now we wear same-colored yellow uniforms

i am the luckiest girl on earth.

truly.

my job is amazing. almost every day i get to eat lunch on top of a mountain. i get to play in the mud and dirt. i get PAID to go camping. my muscles are getting bigger. everyday i get to push my limits and i always surprise myself with how hard i can actually work in a day. this job is so rewarding and i just feel so lucky that i have this opportunity.

there is a meadow up american fork canyon called Julie Andrews Meadow. i want to kiss the person that named it that. it makes me smile.

it's funny because my brother and i usually don't get along all that well, but lately he has finally been acting more like a big brother to me. he says he brags about me all day to his coworkers and friends and he keeps telling me how proud he is of me and the choices i have made in my life. since my parents are out of town and they don't trust me to be home alone, my brother stayed with me. we spent the majority of the day just talking and doing stuff together. we even contemplated going on an afternoon dirt bike ride. it's just amazing to me how when you're just one-on-one with someone you normally don't get along with the walls come down and it is possible to actually enjoy each other's company. it was nice.

with all these peaceful and happy things going on in my life there is also constant chaos that won't ever seem to go away. i don't know what to do about it. i'm beginning to think there is nothing i can do about it but smile and push through it, then hope that in 3 months it will be nonexistent. i highly doubt it.

so lets cause a scene, clap our hands, stop our feet!

So today was my first day of work. this is my first real life job. okay, yes i have been working since i was 14 starting with arctic circle then to midvale pool and on to so jo pool then the pie and coaching track with starbucks being next, but this is my first real-life-40-hour-a-week-job-that-will-actually-help-me-in-life. and today was very productive. today i:
learned how to operate a forest service walkie talkie
learned what to do in dangerous instances of lightning
carried huge logs up a trail
made a wall so the trail doesn't get washed out
got a forest service uniform (they are sooooo hawt)
learned how to properly treat the trail tools
but most importantly, i decided going into my first day that i was going to be completely myself and if nobody liked it than they could go..... i dunno. but yano what? i was so comfortable being myself that everyone around me was comfortable with me too. it was amazing. everyone i work with is probably about 25, but somehow i managed to befriend them all in the 9 1/2 hour worked today. i felt very successful today, and i'm so excited cause i love the crew that i am working with. I was also told that because of my experience of riding dirt bikes since the age of 6, that i will be getting certified to ride the trail bike to help haul stuff up in the deep wilderness. *seriously* i'm going to get paid to ride a dirt bike. i don't think it could get any better. i'm so excited for this job. i know i am going to be very tired, but it is just so awesome to take a step back and be like "hey, i built that wall."

i felt very successful and happy about my first day of work. but coming home was a different story. i'm still struggling with this whole living-with-the-parents-again-thing.

to top it all off. i have the most amazing boyfriend ever. i actually feel sorry for all of you because i can't really share him with you. :( too bad. but he always knows how to take the most horrible situations and make me smile.

some i kill, some i let go

sometimes i can't stop thinking it is like a constant movie playing in my head the thoughts cannot flow fast enough out of my fingertips as i type i am sick of being usure of things and upset all of the time i am sick of depending on things i should not depend on like shopping for instance it can only fill that emotional void for so long jesus that sounds so ridiculous when will i be able to be comfortable in my own skin i thought once i got to high school and then maybe college i would be able to break down this wall that i put up to keep myself from being vulnerable still not sure how to break it down i'm really pissed that whitney on cycle 10 of americas next top model it must be a conspiracy i really wanted anya to win she looks more modelesque maybe that is what triggered it tonight or it may have been when he said i look like a telephone pole i know he was joking but i take things too seriously a lot especially when it has something to do with things i am already self concious about i keep telling myself that there must be something kinda good about me or he wouldn't be with me i'm sure that is not attractive at all confidence = sexy that's what tyra says at least god she drives me crazy i miss my friends i miss my elyse and my other friends that are still in high school and don't have time to play i bought a new kitten to keep me preoccupied he likes to attack anything and everything he looks like a little bear i feel like i am my room has had a pile of clothes on the floor for two weeks and my dad hasn't even said anything about it i'm impressed and i am not planning on picking them up anytime soon i'm just sick of things right now and this post is ridiculous i am sorry if you wasted your time reading it all.

eff.

there's a humble abode in a heart that you know

i surprised myself today.
i have finally gotten to the point where i can take down all the pictures on my walls from high school and not get teary eyed. i still feel emotional about it, but it's a good emotion. This sounds incredibly ridiculous, but i think for the most part of my first year of college i just wanted to go back to the comfort of high school. I wanted the stability that my coaches, parents, and friends provided me everyday. But i have finally realized that I was just holding on to something that hasn't been there for a while. i have finally realized that it is time to find comfort and stability in the part of my life i am in now.

goals for the summer:
get more muscle (shouldn't be hard with my job)
wear less makeup
loose some fat
be happy
eat healthy

i am just extremely content right now.