some i kill, some i let go

sometimes i can't stop thinking it is like a constant movie playing in my head the thoughts cannot flow fast enough out of my fingertips as i type i am sick of being usure of things and upset all of the time i am sick of depending on things i should not depend on like shopping for instance it can only fill that emotional void for so long jesus that sounds so ridiculous when will i be able to be comfortable in my own skin i thought once i got to high school and then maybe college i would be able to break down this wall that i put up to keep myself from being vulnerable still not sure how to break it down i'm really pissed that whitney on cycle 10 of americas next top model it must be a conspiracy i really wanted anya to win she looks more modelesque maybe that is what triggered it tonight or it may have been when he said i look like a telephone pole i know he was joking but i take things too seriously a lot especially when it has something to do with things i am already self concious about i keep telling myself that there must be something kinda good about me or he wouldn't be with me i'm sure that is not attractive at all confidence = sexy that's what tyra says at least god she drives me crazy i miss my friends i miss my elyse and my other friends that are still in high school and don't have time to play i bought a new kitten to keep me preoccupied he likes to attack anything and everything he looks like a little bear i feel like i am my room has had a pile of clothes on the floor for two weeks and my dad hasn't even said anything about it i'm impressed and i am not planning on picking them up anytime soon i'm just sick of things right now and this post is ridiculous i am sorry if you wasted your time reading it all.

eff.

there's a humble abode in a heart that you know

i surprised myself today.
i have finally gotten to the point where i can take down all the pictures on my walls from high school and not get teary eyed. i still feel emotional about it, but it's a good emotion. This sounds incredibly ridiculous, but i think for the most part of my first year of college i just wanted to go back to the comfort of high school. I wanted the stability that my coaches, parents, and friends provided me everyday. But i have finally realized that I was just holding on to something that hasn't been there for a while. i have finally realized that it is time to find comfort and stability in the part of my life i am in now.

goals for the summer:
get more muscle (shouldn't be hard with my job)
wear less makeup
loose some fat
be happy
eat healthy

i am just extremely content right now.

now i seem to dream in color not black and white

i wish my thoughts could flow easily out through my fingertips. sometimes it feels like such a struggle to put my emotions into words, and it is even much harder for me to speak about them. it's like i am forcing words to form coherent sentences but in the end they don't do my feelings justice at all.

i keep telling myself that the loneliness i feel up here will end once school is over and i move back home. i am beginning to think that i may be relying on something to alter those feelings that inevitably won't. my dad keeps telling me that i need to find some sense of happiness within myself. i think i have always been searching, but the temporary happiness i have been able to grasp onto throughout the years has always been sufficient. but i don't want it to just be sufficient and temporary. i want it to be real. and i believe i have found something that is real. but i need to gain my internal happiness first so it can be perpetuated by my new source of happiness.

i am the happiest when i can be completely and utterly myself. without any threats or any reason to hold back. i feel myself when i am prancing around like a little girl, blowing bubbles in the wind, and sucking on otter pops. i am myself when i am running through the grass barefoot and trying not to fall because my vision is blocked by the locks of hair being blown in my face by the wind.

i'm looking forward to this summer and having many of my happiest moments.

then i'll dig a tunnel from my window to yours......

soooooo...... i'm glad that it is april 15th and it has been snowing all day! so much for global warming. i could use an 8 degree temperature increase right about now!
i guess i should just be thankful for yesterday. it was the first day of the year that i could wear a tank top and spandex shorts to practice. it was absolutely glorious.
i woke up this morning, looked in the mirror and actually saw a tan line from wearing my tank top at practice yesterday. so thinking that spring has finally sprung, i didn't bring my coat with me to my classes. brilliant idea. i walked out of my class only to find myself in a blizzard.
practice was great today as well. i love the feeling of shards of glass being blown into my face for 45 minutes. woo!

nah, it's not so bad. i just know that when summer hits and i'm out in the middle of nowhere doing trail maintenance in a long sleeve shirt that i will be wishing for today's weather.

i'm in an annoyed mood right now.
time for a list.

things that are annoying me right now:
girls that poof their hair- honestly are you hiding something under there or what?
elyse not coming home this summer- extremely selfish of me, i know, but she is my best friend and i have a right to be selfish about this.
logan weather- need i say more?
the fact that i am addicted to the bachelor- dumbest. show. ever. maybe i get pleasure in watching other girls make fools out of themselves? dunno.
i'm up here, and he's down there- the only thing that keeps me going through the week is the thought of the weekend.
not enough time to sleep

song i am loving at this moment: highway 20------the belefonte

turns and spins leave me breathless but with no sense of direction

whilst sitting in biology today i had an overwhelming feeling that made me feel smart and greatly depressed me.

my existence doesn't matter at all really.

ahem

life began 3.8 billion years ago. life went on for 2.4 billion years before the first multi cellular organism appeared. organisms then remained simple until about 660 million years ago when complex life forms occurred.

it threw me off to be speaking in billions of years. but then i realized how greatly insignificant my 100 or less years on this earth really are compared to billions of years.

then we talked about hominins and how they are the group that includes humans and all related species that arose after the last common ancestor of chimps and humans. we are the only ones that are still in existence. and compared to all the other hominins our existence is like a flash in time.

it's just mind boggling to me. where we have come from and it makes me wonder where we are going. it's kind of like the feeling i get when i look up at the stars and try to comprehend how far away they really are and how much of the universe we can't see. it makes me feel small. incredibly small.

when moments like this happen it makes me just want to stop doing what everyone else thinks i need to be doing and do what really and truly will make me happy. life seems so short to me. and my life isn't going to matter to anyone in 100 years from now. but i think i need to find a way to make my life matter to me. and that is by making myself happy. doing things not because i think that is what will make others around me happy, but because it makes me happy and content with my life.

i also realized that i wish i had something to believe in. like a religion that would maybe prove to me that there is a reason that i am here. in a way i am so jealous of my friends that they can believe that there some importance to this life. i wish i could make myself believe, but i have given up trying to force it upon myself. instead i will search for a way to make my life my own heaven on this earth, i suppose i will just have to make the best of all this.

it is amazing to me to think of where we have come from and all that has happened since the existence on this planet so that i could be sitting comfortably on my bed, typing this on my laptop. it makes things seem extremely trivial.

heaven is a switchboard that you want to fight

I'm so sick of being in college but having people around me act like they are in middle school. Unecessary drama is getting so old. Hate me all you want to, say all those nasty things about me. I'll be the first to admit that it hurts. It hurts pretty bad. I wish I didn't care, but I sure do. But I guess somehow you get pleasure in it..... way to go. have fun with that.

*A.D.D. Moment*

This is a picture of Rogue Wave. A band that brings so much happiness to my heart. I discovered their first album in the South Jordan Libarary. I spent an hour or so killing time and browsing the library CDs when i picked up Descended Like Vultures. I thought it showed promise...... and I fell in love. I recently purchased thier new album and am once again rekindling the love i have for them. They are coming to play at Thanksgiving Point with Death Cab on May 26th. I am so *excited*


As I have been evaluating my first year of college I have come to one conclusion...... i didn't really live it up as much as i could've. sure there was that period of two weeks before finals last year where i pretty much gave up on school, burnt christmas trees, went hot tubbing and had sleepovers with cassie every night. But this semester with Cassie gone, a wonderful new boyfriend, and loads of homework, i have been far too responsible. So in my quest to live like a real freshman, i have 3 weeks before finals to be crazy and spontaneous. So time not spent studying will be spent doing things on my awesome possum list of things to do before my freshman year is over:

1- dumpster diving in the art department dumpsters
2-sneak into at least five hot tubs in logan area
3-multiple bonfires up the canyon school nights (yikes!)


okay, that's all i really have. pretty lame i know, but for me that's pretty darn good.