sometimes i wish i was still little 5-year-old kim still. i didn't have much to worry about other than whether or not buttercup was going to join her friends in ponyland. didn't have to make big decisions. didn't have to think farther ahead than my next playdate. i am at the point in my life now where i am supposed to be making some pretty big life changing decisions. the key word here is "supposed," but every time i think about making one i just get so sick to my stomach and prolong it as much as possible. this isn't helping me at all.
"YOU have to be the one to make the decision. i can't do it for you." sometimes i feel like i talk about all the decisions i need to be making so much. i just talk them over with anyone who will listen in hopes that maybe i can get their opinion and the decision can be theirs and not mine. i think this is why my dad doesn't call as much. maybe it is his way of trying to get me to be decisive.
i think this is where prayer should come in.
it is like when i am out to dinner with a group of friends or the team and i have to ask every single person at the table what they are ordering before i can decide what to get for myself.
i just wish i was more capable of thinking for myself. i guess if i was the type of person that had those amazing moments where they "just knew" things then maybe i would be sure of my decisions as well. but i'm not. i have never had that "ah-ha!" moment. i always have to just make a decision based on my gut feeling (whether or not i am comfortable with it) then i have to just warm up and get used to the idea. this process has never led me astray yet. maybe it is just a test of faith. maybe i am supposed to faithfully follow my gut decision and just trust that it will all work out?
i am bitter about growing up at the moment.
And Then There Were Two
5 hours ago
1 comment:
Kim, people who are absolutely sure about their future are whack. My adviser told me that he worries about kids who are 100% confident that they know what they want to do/be when they graduate. I think we're supposed to be scared and unsure about things... at least I hope so, because I know that I am.
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