we are like two indians sitting in a canoe

so here i am. back in logan. feeling pretty alone at the moment. my boy is down in salt lake still. and i am up here feeling like the constant third wheel in basically everyone's company. i am really happy for my friends and all of their new boyfriends, but it makes life kinda lonely for me. it's either be the third wheel, or don't hang out with people. it's getting old.

i like all of my classes. i have friends in most of them which is good cause i'm not very good at getting out of my comfort zone and meeting new people.
i love my house and my roomies are alright. there are a lot of jesus pictures up everywhere which is something new to me.
running is going very well, we have a great team this year and i am not injured. things are going very well for me right now..... okay maybe it has just been the past two days..... but i feel like i am on a roll.

she pulls her covers tighter

i haven't really written on this blog for a great while. i also really haven't talked to many friends/acquaintances in a while, nor responded to their messages/posts/phone calls.
i am sorry if you are one of those friends. please don't take it personally. i have been quite the flaky, selfish "friend" as of late.
sorry. it just has not been a good few months for me. i don't want to explain it but i hope my friends can understand.
so since summer is ending for me today. i thought i should maybe recap some of the poignant happenings and things i will miss...... but i have to pack because i am moving back up to logan tomorrow morning.... so that is going to have to wait.

feelings, feelings, feelings, blah, blah, blah.
i wish i could be numb too.
then maybe i wouldn't walk around feeling like i have been punched in the gut every second.

smoking cloves, you're the ghost of midem

i have realized there are many people in my life that try to make me feel like i am not good enough for them: not a good enough daughter, not a good enough friend, not a good enough girlfriend, not a good enough runner, not a good enough student, etc.
i am sick of feeling sorry for myself because others won't give me the validation that i seek so badly. i just want to feel like i am good enough for someone or something, but i don't yet. this is going to sound cheesy, but i think i have realized the important thing is to feel like i am good enough for myself, good enough that i can just be happy and proud of the way i am.
sometimes i think that people purposefully try to make me feel like i am not good enough for them so i feel thankful for them or something.
for example: some coaches i dealt with after high school would try to make it sound like it should be an honor for me to run for them. they would tell me all the other really fast runners that were looking at them too and they would try to play stupid mind games like that cause they thought it would make them seem prestigious and i would want to be a part of that. i didn't.
people in my life try to play those same games and it drives me nuts. it leaves me feeling hurt that i will never live up to what they want from me.
but i'm starting to not care anymore. i'm just gonna be the best daughter/friend/girlfriend/runner/student in the way that i know how.

things are getting better. i have finally realized the only way i can get out of this funk is to force myself to be happy. instead of crying when things are rough i put a smile on. my friend said that emotions follow facial expressions, so i figure if i put a smile on i will be cheerful a few minutes later. sometimes it's really awkward, especially when i am driving alone and i have a big cheesy grin on my face.

tonight i went to my first rodeo with megan, lacey, and lauren. it was awesome. i had no idea what i had been missing out on. i think i am going to see how many rodeos i can fit into my summer. first i need to purchase cowboy boots, a hat, and a big belt buckle! i'm excited :). it was really nice to just hang with the girls and be crazy. i feel like i haven't done that in forever.

another awesome thing that happened today was i got officially chainsaw certified!!! i cut down two dead trees, and limbed and bucked a couple of HUGE trees. i was extremely nervous cause i'm scared of cutting off my legs, but finally i feel more comfortable with the saw. nothing beats inhaling sawdust, sweat dripping down your face, bugs biting every exposed part of skin, and carrying a heavy chainsaw. i love my job so much. i really surprised myself, i didn't think i would be strong enough to use the chainsaw, but i built up the muscle and i can saw down any tree!!!

i'm being way more dedicated with my running now, and it is making me so happy. i don't know if it is the endorphins or just the feeling of accomplishment, but it is making me feel so much better about things.

i just need to make sure that i don't slip back into the funk. i hate it and it was no good for me at all. things are definitely all where i want them to be at the moment, but i am just trying to work at the things i can control, so that hopefully the things i can't control will go in my favor.

i'm sad. really sad.

and i can't quite shake it off.

i am getting sick of pretending for the sake of everyone else that everything is okay. and i still haven't figured out a way to make it all okay.

i am sick of not being able to go a day without crying.

i pretend to know what i am doing, but in reality i have no freaking clue.

i think i am about through with trying. you once asked me why i try so hard at things when in the end you thought i would end up like you anyway. well maybe you are right.

you have no idea how long that sentence has stuck with me. whenever i was about to give up i would think of you saying that to me again, anger would take over and i would force myself to not give up. well maybe, you. are. right.

there are so many things going on in my mind right now.



my heart is broken for my friend. i have no idea what to say or do. jumbled up, incoherent voice messages just don't cut it in this case, but that is all that i can seem to deliver. this girl is the sweetest girl i have ever met. through out the last year we have become pretty close. living together does that i guess.

i just can't even imagine.

i'm not sure what to say.

i feel empty and torn when i think about what she must be feeling.

her father took his own life and now everyone is left to wonder, why?

i don't know what to say. all i can seem to do is cry for her, and for him.

i really don't know what to do.