it's so many miles and so long since i've met you

sometimes i wish i was still little 5-year-old kim still. i didn't have much to worry about other than whether or not buttercup was going to join her friends in ponyland. didn't have to make big decisions. didn't have to think farther ahead than my next playdate. i am at the point in my life now where i am supposed to be making some pretty big life changing decisions. the key word here is "supposed," but every time i think about making one i just get so sick to my stomach and prolong it as much as possible. this isn't helping me at all.

"YOU have to be the one to make the decision. i can't do it for you." sometimes i feel like i talk about all the decisions i need to be making so much. i just talk them over with anyone who will listen in hopes that maybe i can get their opinion and the decision can be theirs and not mine. i think this is why my dad doesn't call as much. maybe it is his way of trying to get me to be decisive.

i think this is where prayer should come in.

it is like when i am out to dinner with a group of friends or the team and i have to ask every single person at the table what they are ordering before i can decide what to get for myself.

i just wish i was more capable of thinking for myself. i guess if i was the type of person that had those amazing moments where they "just knew" things then maybe i would be sure of my decisions as well. but i'm not. i have never had that "ah-ha!" moment. i always have to just make a decision based on my gut feeling (whether or not i am comfortable with it) then i have to just warm up and get used to the idea. this process has never led me astray yet. maybe it is just a test of faith. maybe i am supposed to faithfully follow my gut decision and just trust that it will all work out?

i am bitter about growing up at the moment.

hello kitty world

this is probably the greatest thing i have seen in a while, a Hello Kitty Hospital!
I know one day i will have some little kiddies of my own, but that day is very far off. however, when that day comes i can't imagine a better place to be than in the comfort and cuteness of my favorite asian creation. now, some people say this is a little excessive. i say there can never be enough hello kitty in the world!

I am planning on getting my concealed weapons permit this winter break the picture below is the gun i have had my eye on the last couple of years. some say that the hello kitty picture and the pinkness makes it less intimidating. this may be true, but it's fashionable and i'm asian. so it works.

i found this gun online. i think it is more hello-kitty-like, but not as intimidating as the first.

reasons to smile

three helpful cops that broke into my car so i didn't have to pay $60 for a locksmith

lady at the inn on the waterfront of lake michigan that gave us bottles of water when we stopped 45 minutes out on a run

sweater weather

practice going how it should

job at my favorite clothing store for winter break because my brother became friends with the manager at his bible study group

skinny dipping in lake michigan at 11pm

being in lake michigan listening to the song lake michigan

boy who wears scarves that cooks me dinner and lets me be myself

having a passion again for running

chicago pizza. twice.

heath is coming to visit this weekend

i love life

come thou fount of every blessing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1bSlS6OWTs

i am obsessed.

i don't want to be the pearl

don't get me wrong. i am in a happy place.

i know the decision was right.

just sometimes i sit and wonder
what it is i ever meant to you
i have been left to conclusions,
i never meant anything at all.

i was just a hand to hold?
someone who cared?
i laughed at your jokes?
was this all just a game?

i just can't comprehend
how you can stop.
stop caring after everything?

i don't need you to love me
i don't need you to be mine.
i would just like the knowledge
that it wasn't all fake,
that maybe you still care how i am doing,
that you are still my friend.

tell it to the valcano, from what i know you're going down the hole

realizations:

you cannot make someone be there for you. i know that you're probably like "duh, kim" i have said that to myself too. but that still never stopped me from trying.

i am not myself. i am trying to figure it out. i think it may be just the change of coming back to school and everything, but something just feels so off. i can't quite figure it out. i'm not my happy, cheerful self. it bugs me.

the boys i want to like me don't. the boys that i don't want to like me do. i give up.

when a boy calls you "bud" i am pretty sure that is his way of making it completely obvious that he is not remotely interested.

i think it is sometimes necessary to go through a "friend detox." there have been some people in my life lately that seem to think a friend's sole responsibility is to take on their problems, feel sorry for them, and whine with them. it sure as heck isn't. and i'm sick of feeling pulled down by all of it. i want to say that i am through with all of it! but in reality i'm a sucker and just feel bad for people when they complain to me. i need to grow a spine.

i love being around people that make me laugh. so so much. i need more laughter in my life.

riding bikes everywhere is cool now. i am glad it wasn't as cool the last 6 years when i had to ride my bike EVERYWHERE. but now that i finally have a car and can actually drive places.... all of my friends think it's cool to ride bikes. good thing i don't care about being cool. ;)

i miss provo. i never thought in a million years i would ever say that. but i do. i miss longboarding down the provo river trail. i miss floating on the LPC (lazy provo current). i miss eating pizza in the hot tub at the raintrizzle. i miss going water ballooning. i miss shows at velour. i miss motorcycle rides and ice cream. mostly i miss my friends. much love.

a million day funeral

right now i am going through ups and downs like a rollercoaster that has lost its brakes. one minute i am completely fine and emotionless, the next minute i can't stop the flood.
probably the best advice i have ever gotten was to "fake it till you make it." and i think over the years i have mastered this. and it works wonders.
it's nice to know that in the end everything in my life will work out. it will all be okay. relying on that thought is what keeps me smiling when i feel unsure.
or as steve's mom said, i'm like the weiner dog that had a body so long that it takes a while for its emotions to get from his head to his tail. so even if it has a sad face on, its tail is still wagging for something happy that happend in the past.
sorry. i think i slaughtered that. it was more effective when she told it. it had a good point though.
sorry this is short. and pointless.
sorry i apologize for things too much.