decision to decisions are made and not bought

so many exciting things are happening very quickly right now. if it all didn't feel so right i would say it's happening to fast. but it's not. it is amazing what just having an open mind and an open heart can do for you. i have experienced things i never would have thought possible. it's life changing and i'm excited.

she's an angel with a cigarette

i'm feeling a bit off today and i hate it. the last couple of weeks i have been feeling so fantastic about life. today was such a good day, there were so many good things that happened. but for some reason i am feeling really off. i didn't feel like my normal bubbly self. i really think it is because i did not sleep a wink last night. i just need to stop worrying about things and go with the flow. then i can sleep.

too much

i don't even know what is going on
i think my mind plays tricks on me
i have to convince myself that the smile and the wink
you directed towards me
were merely a hallucination.
it was.
it has to be.
i can't get excited,
that's how i end up hurt.
he's just a nice boy
he does that to everyone
it doesn't mean anything.....
those sweet messages you send....
he's just being a good friend.

but it does. and it's scary.
i want you to know me
but the more you know
the more of myself i give to you.
the more you can hurt me.

it scares me.
and i want it all to mean something
more than you can know.
i used to wear my heart on my sleeve,
but i just can't anymore.
he ruined that for me.

every word, every look,
it means a lot to me.
don't mess with me, i'm begging you.
it's just too much to take.

you never see me, and you don't know my face

oh hey.
so things are looking so much better. i've finally started sleeping again without the help of pills, so hopefully that will make my nasty illness go away. running is going well, we are headed to seattle next weekend and i am super stoked to pound some people into the ground. and i am also excited to be in the city that grey's anatomy takes place in. :)

this week has been great and i am just trying to find happiness in the littlest things. like movie night with the girls, playing pranks on our trainer, and drinking inordinate amounts of diet coke (no calories!!). i honestly have not been paying any attention to school lately and it will catch up with me soon. but for now i am having fun. and i think i need that right now. my room is a complete mess. but that's okay, i have no reason to clean it anymore, no one sees it and i am rarely ever home. i like it that way.
i don't know what the point of this blog is, but i just wanted all of you to know that i am doing okay.
i think a lot of people are thinking that the reason i have been having such a rough time is because of the breakup. don't get me wrong, that was very hard and disapointing, but that was just a small piece of the things that have been going on. i was very sad to see it end, but it was honestly for the best.
i am so thankful for running. it has brought so much structure to my life. i think there would have been days that i would not have gotten out of bed if it had not been for my need to run. my teammate ali taylor has been one of the greatest people in my life this past month. she has pushed me in every workout, has sat and cried with me before practice, and after practice, talked me through many sleepless nights, she has supported and has been participating in my plan to get a 6-pack, she has introduced me to so many new friends.....she has just been there for me in every way possible. so many of my friends have and i am so very thankful to you all. I have been having such a blast with caroline, lexie, and ali. they have reintroduced me to living and having fun again.

i have been listening to very different music, elyse can tell you. she has to put up with it. i have been drinking so much diet coke, i think it's because the people i hang out with every night have one in their hands at all times, so i have developed the same habit. there is also someone that has recently come into my life that just makes me smile so much. just seeing this person makes my day so much better. i am giving up on ice cream. okay, not entirely, but my 6-pack plan requires a significant decrease in ice cream consumption. this makes me sad. :(
haha.
okay i know this blog was super random and all over the place, but that's just how i am!

i'm not even going to bother.

sometimes life can be so messed up. i can't figure it out anymore. it seems like now the only way i can keep my head above water is to lie to myself. i have to lie to myself about the things that are happening. and pretend like things are okay. but they definitely are not.
the last month has been the hardest month of my entire life. and through all the things that keep on happening i am trying to find a reason for it all, trying to find some sort of lesson that i can pull out of all the rubble that keeps on coming crumbling down.
it's hard to think that you can rely on people in your life then realize you cannot.

i've been trying to be good and keep my complaining and whining about life to a minimum. but you know what? sometimes it just reaches a point where you just can't anymore. i can't keep telling myself that things can't get any worse, because just when i think that.... it sure as hell does.

promises

If I knew what it could do

I would have never opened my eyes

And let the darkness in

You never let me compromise

In this game I can't win

How long will it take

For me to break free

How long will it take

For me to forget

What happened to your promises

I'd never be alone

I'd never be forgotten

What happened to those promises?

Did you forget?

so this is 2009

all things considered i think 2009 is going to be a great year. i think i will grow this year more than i have any other year. right now i am the weakest i have ever been in my life, but just like muscles... you break them down enough and they will come back stronger. so that is my hope.

to all my friends. i love you. i don't know what i would do without you. you mean so much to me i can't thank you enough for the things you do for me.

i have decided to deactivate my facebook account. i don't know if this is permanent, but i think this is a good step for me. i need to start living in reality where i get to know people from how they act and treat people and not what they post on facebook.