to be alone with me.

the soap leaves a residue in the holder
what was meant to cleanse
leaves something to be cleaned
behind.

i will let it run just to see
how hot it can get
how much can i stand?

turing the knob left every few minutes with my toes
my body absorbs the heat
until the knob won't turn anymore.

i need this warmth to stay with me
till morning
when i wake and must again take in the coldness of the world.

this isn't a kinkos

"at least YOU know who you are, kim"

these words hit me hard. i pretend to know who i am, cause i really don't know. but it makes me wonder, does anyone really know? isn't that what life is all about? figuring ourselves out so that we know how to make ourselves happy?
it makes me wonder if these skinny jeans, bangs, makeup, brazilian bracelet, etc...... if these things are really who i am, or am i just pretending to be someone i am not.
i see that girl with dredlocks at the gym, working out on the eliptical. is that who she really is?

now you would say, 'of course not, outside appearances aren't a reflection of the person inside.'
but why isn't it. i think it should be. it makes more sense for us to be who we really are inside and out.

when i look around at the things in my room that are *me* i only see a few things:
mr. tickles
buttercup
running shoes
watch
dark chocolate
'the last unicorn'

sometimes i get so sick of the feeling of being copied. so sick of feeling unoriginal and like someone else will get the credit for my ideas about what makes me, *me*. sometimes it is so overwhelming, i don't feel like i am my own person, i feel like there is just another extension of me walking around out there. pretending to be me. what they don't know, is i actually don't have any idea who i am myself.
i always wonder why they can't come up with ideas of their own, why they pretend they are someone they are not. but i guess it is just because they don't know who they are at all and they need something to grasp onto, to put out the image that they know exactly who they are. well, i can see right through you.
i hate it when you pretend to be me, and i hate it when you pretend to be her. i wish that you could just be your own person.

help.

i need a slurpee run.

for a second there i felt you disappear.... i talk out loud like your still around.

i've been having a hard time getting to bed at a reasonable time. not sure why. it's not like i'm doing anything really productive. just writing blogs, msning, and chatting with roommates. sometimes i get so caught up in life and school that i don't take time to appreciate the little things that make up my day. it's little discoveries that make me smile. like finding out there is a compartment shelf thing behind the bathroom mirror. that was exciting. or talking to a friend hundreds of miles away.

it's strange how missing someone so much that i literally feel pain in my chest is actually one of the best feelings ever. just knowing that i can care so much about someone. it feels great. :)

i'm going to try to stop worrying about things and making myself feel so overwhelmed. i wish someone was here to tell me to "just take a good deep breath, and everything is going to be okay." but he's not here anymore and i'm trying to get used to that. i've started to see there is no point in hanging on to something that isn't there anymore. and he shouldn't be, he has no obligation to me anymore. he *is* my hero, and he changed my life. it's just this awkward situation now. he's out there changing other athlete's lives.

i get a lot of excitment out of setting two people up. like really though. and this usually only occurs when i am completely content with my love life and i want others to feel the same happiness. so i am currently working on candidates for my two lovely roommates, my best friend, my alex friend, my brother and meh just about anyone that is currently single. this may be annoying to you, but i like it and it brings me joy to see twitterpation in othere people's eyes.

i am in a really thankful mood right now. so bear with me. i have the best best friend ever. she lets me take over her bed for hours at a time, goes with me to the gym when i tell her she has to, brings me delicious cupcakes, and tells me i have big, beautiful eyes, and lucious lips when i am feeling insecure. i don't know what i would do without her. like seriously though.

happiness is:
sleeping in
not spilling my tea on me for once
still being friends
running without pain
seeing him
feeling secure with the place i am at
having a nice hair day
lectures about sea turtles
trust
bestest friends in the whole wide world
slipping, but not falling
flowers that are still alive
sunshine on my face
dry sidewalks

call it a craze, it's just a phase, or will this be around forever?

my day:
well got only 5 hours of sleep the night before. so there's that.
decided i need to cut down on the coffee, so i went for the tea instead.
poured scorching hot tea down the front of me in math class, also got it all over my assignemnt.
didn't dry very fast, so i went outside and it froze
that tea was also the sleepy kind of tea, so that didn't help to keep me awake.
lost my ron paul pin (which isn't so bad cause i have another)
found out i couldn't vote today cause i'm registered in so jo.
my shin is hurting again
i'm redshirtting indoor track
disected an owl pellet. pretty sure i inhaled a bunch of rodent fur.
missed vegan baking party.

it's weird to talk to people i once dated. it's interesting to see how after i have distanced myself from them they seem so different. honestly, when i bump into you in the tsc the last thing i want is for you to strike up a convorsation with me. when you see me look at you then quickly look at the floor, that means i want to avoid all possible convorsation with you. so don't whisper "KIM!" thinking that i will be so excited to talk to you. chances are, i will make up an excuse as to why i need to hurry and leave. you couldn't be honest with me while we were "dating" but i'm gonna be honest with you now. i don't want to be your friend so please back off.

that was harsh.

i know tomorrow will be a good day, cause i'm gonna wear my cute new dress.